Yet another lonely post

I'm a hopeless romantic.  I watch tv shows or movies and cry over relationships starting, or ending and everything in between.

In fact right now, my mind is reeling over the last few days of binge watching my favorite slow of all time, GLEE... I end up having vivid dreams after watching that parallel the show.

Sad huh.

I just wish my love life hadn't gone to hell like it did. 

I don't know what I could have done differently though. I did everything I could to save my marriage.

The last five years of the relationship were pure hell. I've blogged about it too much. Hell, I've blogged about my loneliness too much. But I have to get it off my chest somehow or I'll burst.

So now, at 3:30am I'm just barely going to bed, after,  you guessed it, watching my favorite show... and I'm listening to country music,  which only happens when I'm feeling especially lonely and sad.

I don't know what I'm doing.  5 years of being alone. 3 of those as a single mom.  I purposely don't make time for myself, unless it's at ungodly hours of the night/morning like right now. So how in the hell am I supposed to go meet guys?

I'm gonna be alone forever.  :'(

Life after an emotionally abusive relationship- Yes, PTSD from that is REAL!

http://medicalsurity.com/you-can-get-ptsd-from-staying-in-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/

Hope that link is clickable for everyone. This article really spoke volumes to me. I identified with nearly everything the writer talked about. The biggest point she made was when she said "I'm not sure which scares me more: the fear that others will find out my secret, or that my husband will find out I told the truth about our marriage. I realize I'm not afraid of him."

And when she said the last part:  "I worry that not only have my daughter's witnessed a man mistreat a woman, but that my sons have had a poor example to follow of what it means to be a real man.

I stayed for the sake of my children. Now, I blame myself for the effects of staying may possibly have on them.

Why did I stay? I stayed becasue I was isolated; I was financially dependent on him; I was sleep deprived; I was told and I believed I was worthless; I was worn down from constantly being on guard for the next attack.

I stayed becasue I was more afraid to leave."

That. Right there. I was more afraid to leave.

I stayed in a relationship for 14 years with my ex. Of course it was all beautiful rainbows and love for the first year, but then it quickly went sour. I was young, just 18 when we married. Pregnant. Many people assumed we married only because I was pregnant. I was in love. People said we wouldn't last. After 10 years, and 2 kids later, everyone was surprised we were still together. I kept telling everyone that was love. When I got pregnant with our third... well that's when I was forced to actually see through everything and start to think independently for the first time. I was diagnosed with severe depression at 5mo.  My dr also said she believed I had been suffering from undiagnosed PPD since my first child was born, 10 years before. I was put on zoloft, had counseling twice a week for the last trimester, then down to weekly for 6mo after birth, then biweekly the last 6 months.  

The last visit with the physcologist ended up with me breaking down into tears and the cops being sent to do a welfare check on my husband. He ended up in jail for 24hrs. That was in 2009. I thought at that point, I'd take the advantage of our situation, being evicted from our apartment and him going to jail temporarily, to finally leave him. But I didn't. It took me an additional 2 years after that to really wake up and realize that the best thing for myself and my children was to walk away. 

And I did. I walked away. 

However, I took small, sneaky steps to get away. My now ex was deported back to his home country, and I stupidly followed him becasue I "wanted to work things out and fix our relationship." After 6 months it hit me that nothing I would do or say could fix anything, and it was NEVER my fault... I was basically stuck with him for those two years outside the US, but while I was there I started making the plans and planting the seeds for my departure. We held a "family" meeting, and my older kids agreed with thier dad that I "needed" to go back to the US, find a job and a place to live, bring the kids back as soon as I had the first two things accomplished, and I was supposed to consult a lawyer to find out what we needed to do to allow him to come back legally. 

Well, it took me an additional 2 years to find a steady and decent paying job, and a place to live, but I kept my end of the bargin. I got my kids back with me. I consulted with a lawyer and found he had a 10 year ban. It made my decision to never get back with him a done deal.

I'm still struggling with depression, and the last time I actually went to a counselor, she did think I could have PTSD, but would have needed to see me more often, and the timing was off with work and juggling with the kids, so I wasn't able to fit in any more appointments. I'm trying to push myself to get back into counseling. It's been 3 years since my kids were back with me. 

My biggest challenge has yet to be overcome. I still have not officially filed for a divorce. You read that right. I am still legally married... and it eats at me every time I think about it. I get nightmares about him. Nightmares where he shows up suddenly and tries to kill me and take my kids back with him. I know I get those nightmares because I haven't cut the last tie to him yet. I'm feeling guilty over it, over not filing yet. Sadly, it's a financial thing. Legal Aid won't help me because they "don't do absent spouse divorces" and because I've not had any contact with him in 3 years that's considered absent spouse. 

I've never really spoken up about all of this because the one time I tried, my "friends" dismissed my feelings and tried to tell me I was fooling myself that any of this happened. And I was so fresh from walking away, I sort of listened to them. I learned that I can't do that either. I can't listen to other's feelings about my own situation because they weren't the ones in the relationship. They weren't the ones dealing with the verbal assaults. They weren't the ones who dealt with the drinking and the drugs. THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT I WENT THROUGH. I have to push through on my own for the most part. I know I need to talk to impartial people such as counselors, who can't be biased because they are supposed to be the impartial ear. They can't tell me I'm wrong. They can just listen to what I have to say and then do their best to help me get through it and get to a better place. 

Death

Last night I received the shock of my life. My mother is dead

How did I react?  I bawled. No, bawl is not the right word. There are no words to describe how I felt. How I feel right now.

My mom had Huntingtons disease. We already knew there was a  possibility of an early passing. Some people only live a few years after diagnosis, while some can live a few more decades. My mom about 2 decades past her diagnosis. She was one of the ones who started to deteriorate fast. Her correa (the involuntary muscle movements that is typical of Huntingtons and Parkinsons) got worse as the years went on. Her memory also started to fade, but not as quickly.

I'm suffering from the child's guilt. I never called her back two weeks ago, the last time she called. I also deleted all of her voicemail messages. I'll never hear her voice again.

I spoke briefly with her three weeks ago, and said I had to call her back because I had to drive somewhere. I didn't.

My only hope is that she passed peacefully in her sleep. That would be my only comfort.

Teenagers. UGH!

I'm at my wits end with my teenagers.

I mean, I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but SERIOUSLY??

One acts like a spoiled brat, demanding to be waited on hand and foot... and he's the oldest at 17. One is an angry 15yo girl... that should tell you enough right there. And the other? A oftentimes TOO sweet 6.5yo who is the baby and acts like it.

I work too much. However, as a single mom I have to. Between the two jobs I barely make enough to pay the rent, gas, garbage, water & sewer, electricity, phones, and car insurance. I work 7 days a week unless I ask for a day off at my weekend job.

So where do I fit into all of this? I have no time for me? I'm sacrificing sleep right now to type this up. :(

I don't know where my mind is anymore. I can't handle all of this.

My head hurts. My heart hurts.

I know. I just need to leave it to God.

It's just so hard...

Everything is better with wine

I'm serious. Well not better,  but close enough.

Only one thing right now would make me feel better. However it's just wishful thinking.

Tomorrow's my birthday so I decided to start my celebration early. Alone. Well,  technically I'm not alone. My kids are here. But that's not what I meant. *sigh*  Got my favorite wine glass filed with my favorite brand of Pinot Gris... Only missing one thing. 

The dreaded month of October.

Let's see. It's October. Danny's birthday was yesterday and he turned 17! My sister's birthday is Saturday and she'll be 30! My birthday is in 12 days and I'll be 36.

Previously I said I feel old.

Even more so now.

I've been so damn stressed and EVERYTHING is driving me crazy.

I never have time to clean the house. I never have time for myself. I'm doing so much community involved work besides my two jobs.

Gabe got sick this week, and has now been home for three days, and will be home for at least one more. Did I take advantage of him being home for me to get the house clean?

NOT A FUCKING THING DID I DO!  Well, besides  play games, watch movies, and sit on the computer or on my phone all day.  Ok, I did do some laundry and actually got to cook something for the whole family. So I did do SOMETHING. But it never is enough.

I am the worst procrastinator. I am the worst bullshitter. I am the laziest person ever.

I actually did get sick for two of the three days. Today I'm finally feeling better, enough...

This month always sucks and it will always suck. Let's just finish the rest of the year right now and call it a day.
That'll be all!

Unsure of myself again.

I've had this "crush" on a guy for nearly two years now. We became good friends after being part of a now defunct community group. A mutual friend of ours at one time tried to get him to stop hanging out with me by telling him I was "obsessed" with him and he shouldn't be my friend.  After quite a few months I found out what she did only because she screwed up. Other people confronted me about what she was doing and encouaged me to confront her. Instead I talked to him. All I had to say to him was "can we meet up soon to talk about some things I've heard?" And that same night we went walking and ended up chatting for 4 hours!  At the end he said "I honestly believe that you and I can be great friends."  I never said a thing about how I felt about him. We talked about what was said by her and other things she did to exclude me. He did say he was sorry to believe most of what she said...

After that we hung out more often;  meeting up for coffee a few times (purely accidental I might add, lol), went to the movies a few times,  and had a couple other nights where we had gone to the community group meeting and left chatting and stayig outside chatting until 4 or 5 am! 

Then I went to get my kids back. We still chatted but not like before. I thought I had just read too much into our friendship and that he didn't have similar feelings for me.  I find out he had a gf right after I came back with my kids. That sort of upset me but there was nothing I could do at that point because I had just convinced myself he didn't feel the same way.

However,  just recently I found out he broke up with his gf after dating her for 10 months. And suddenly I start running into him more and we sort of start talking again. One day when I was working at Subway he comes in for lunch and when he saw me looking at him he gave me one of his rare smiles that only his close friends usually see.  I got the goosebumps!  He came again Thursday afternoon when I was working and I actually had the nerve to openly flirt with him just by joking around with his order and he just smiled that awesome smile again and I *think* he flirted right back. 

It's been years for me. I've been separated from my ex for 3 years now but physically and emotionally it's been way longer.  I have no idea how to tell if he really does like me and I get way too nervous around him,  lol.

He came in again today. He smiled for me but didn't smile for my coworker.  Last night I dreamt that I worked up the nerve to call him,  invite him out,  and then finally tell him how I felt.  Oh boy.  I honestly don't know what I should do.  :/  Numerous mutual friends have told me that they thought we had been dating or they thought we should date.

I'm so unsure of everything. This is all new to me. I mean,  after being with one person literally right out of high school and for 14 subsequent years really didn't prepare me for adulthood quite the right way.  I have no idea how to behave,  no idea how to approach someone I like.  I feel like I'm in high school all over again with this.  *sigh*