Who would have thought?

I never had the time to sit back and reflect on my life over the last 15 years until I had no computer, no cable, and no internet.

Well, so far I've had a week to reflect and I've made suprising reflections. The most important is that 15 years of being with one person really closed my mind to what is out there.  Like the song by Kris Allen says "we gotta live like we're dying..." I think I was dead for 15 years sadly... that's a huge surprise to discover.

If I was dead for 15 years, then these last 9 months have been a sort of gestation period for me to be reborn into a new human being, and I was finally born a week ago. And in this new week of life I have found some new things to keep me excited and looking forward to what other surprises await me.

I have a new awareness that I hadn't had before. I have noticed fairly subtle things that I hope are hints of what's to come. One thing I figured out is to trust my instincts as much as possible. Like today- SOMETHING compelled me to leave the house early and stop by the coffee shop. Was it fate? Or was it purely luck? It just so happened to be that a friend was there this morning as well, and I'm pretty sure this friend doesn't usually hang out in the coffee shop at 8:45am :o) I enjoyed this friends presence for over a hour as we chatted about everything and nothing in particular. When my alarm went off to tell me it was time to get to the bus to get to work, I reluctantly left, but not before saying that we should chat again sometime soon. I'll leave it up to my friend if that will happen, but I feel strongly that there may be more to this than a chance encounter. Call it my newborn senses, lol. I actually had butterflies when I arrived at the coffee shop and saw my friend sitting there :o)

Ok, gonna leave you with a quote of lyrics from my favorite song right now "Everything" by Lifehouse...

"And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? Would you tell me how could it be anything better than this?" :o)

I don't know what to do anymore

Every step forward I take I get shoved backwards 5 steps. I cannot make progress towards anything. :o(
My own father will not emotionally support me at all, and is not able to financially support me to the degree he claims he wants to- therefore he is shutting down and calling my bluff so to speak. I don't know what else to call it.
He OFFERED to financially support me for an undisclosed amount of time, until I found a steady job and was able to rent a place of my own. We'll, I now have a job, and suddenly, when I tell him I want to start paying for some bills, he completely shuts down and says "why should I want to talk things over at this point?" And avoids talking to me both on the phone and face to face.  Then responds to my emails with biting remarks and accusations.
What did I do or say that was wrong? I guess I will never understand what happened. He has tunnel vision and cannot see anything positive with what I have done or plan to do. Neither can he accept that I am no longer a child that he can order to obey his requests, but a grown woman with a family that she is trying to reunite who has her own plans.
All I can do now is pray that he continues to get his health back on track and allows me to handle my family the way I know is best.

Been a while: Update.

Where to begin... I still need to find a place to live. :o(  I'm in a sticky situation that I feel powerless to change.

First: I got a job finally! I started May 28th, so I've been working a month now. Unfortunately right now I am barely getting 20hours a week. Hopefully that will change soon.

Second: I was planning on going to Mexico for Marie's elementary graduation which is on Friday, but things have made it difficult... my dad wants to sell the house and has since April. But he gave me an ultimatum too... if I wanted his help with the travel expenses I would have to move out of the house before he would give me the money for the ticket to go down. My aunt would give me the money to come back with the boys. And I am still in the house because I can't find a place to go to even temporarily. :o( THEREFORE, no trip from today until the 10th as originally planned. Marie says she understands, but I'm her mother.. I'm SUPPOSED to be there for her on things like this. *sigh*


Third: Since I didn't go to Mexico today as planned, I now have the trip scheduled for August 1-7. I will have to be back to work on the 13th. In the meantime, I need to find at least a temporary place to move to ASAP, so that I am no longer a burden on my dad. Here's where it gets sticky-  he won't talk to me, won't even help me. He long ago requested that we communicate by email, yet I have been sending him almost an email a week, and yet to hear back from him. I have updated him on what is happening and why I am not moved out yet. In the last email I got from him, he said "Email me when you have arranged to move, and then email me again when you have moved." That was it. :/  What can I do about that? And after that last email, he had come twice and started removing HIS stuff from the house, but has not been back since.  I feel helpless and lonely because the one person that was going to help me hasn't even answered any of my messages or contacted me at all in over two weeks, with the exception of a facebook message "what's happening with you , I haven't heard from you! I'm getting worried."  So I don't know why my messages have not reached that person...
Ugh, I'm just too stressed out to do things properly. On top of all this I have had severe lower back pain that quite a few of my friends think may be due to kidney stones. As if I need ANYTHING more to happen right now... *sigh* I've been trying to pack, but due to the pain I can't do much. :o(


Anyway, that's all I can say for the moment. I'll update more soon... I think I can blog mobile now too, so I will try and do that more often.- even if it is just quickie posts.

Just keeps getting worse...

I now have 3 weeks to find a job and a new place to live. It's either that or go back to Mexico, and I really don't want to right now.

If I go back, it's like I'm giving up. I also feel like I'm letting my family down. We have so much planned, and everything is dependent on me right now and me being in the US working...if I go back all our dreams will be smashed to pieces. :o(

I'm at a loss as to what I can do anymore. My eyes are tired from sitting at the computer for so long filling out online job applications.

This is Joshua's performance from Last week

For some reason it posted Colton's performance twice. This is the one I wanted to share of Joshua!

March 28

I had a semi-rough day. As I was watching American Idol, I was brought to tears by the performance and song choice of Joshua Ledet. He sang Mariah Carey's "Without You":


This song, I dedicate to my husband of 15 years. It was our 15 year wedding anniversary. That's why that song made me cry!  "I can't live, if living is without you..."

I started watching American Idol a bit late, so I missed Colton Dixon's performance. As soon as it was available online I watched it and it also brought me to tears! He chose to perform Lifehouse's "Everything":


Yes, today was rough because this is the first year that we have been separated for as long as we have been, as well as being separated on the actual day of our anniversary. Thankfully, we were able to chat the day before, and he also sent me a text message in the morning that actually woke me up! ;o) He said "Happy Anniversary! Although the distance is between us, I received all the accumulated love of 15 years, and I will fight for many more. I love you." That was a wonderful way to wake up. Although I would have preferred to wake up in his arms...

And now I have to deal with this...

My dad just stopped by to pick up mail. In a nutshell, he told me that he's going to sell this house and needs me to make a decision. The decision is to either go back to Mexico for a few months until he gets the house sold and has that extra money and then come back with the kids, or move now to somewhere like Portland so I have more of a chance of getting a job, and not have to worry about getting a car (plus I'd be closer to my sister). Either way, I need to go somewhere else soon.

I have no idea what to do. I love it here. I have settled into this amazing small community nicely. I have some good new friends. I'm just getting comfortable. Hell, I just unpacked a few small boxes of my figurine collections that I had packed up for probably the last 6-8 years. I'm getting involved in the community. I'm on the board for the local food bank. I go involved in a committee wanting to turn an empty building into the town's community center.  I don't want to live in a city.


I was totally hoping that if I got a good job that I could make arrangements to do a rent-to-own on this house with my dad. I didn't even mention it to him right now. I guess it's the thought of making that huge move AGAIN, that scares me. I hate moving. I did tell him that if DH is still going to cross to find work, there is NO WAY I will stay in Mexico with him over here. I just can't handle that. I can probably be there for a few weeks at the most, but not for a few months again. Too much stress for me. The last couple months in Mexico were so damn hard- I fought constantly with my MIL and my SIL, I had problems with a few of the other family members who just loved to spread rumors about everyone. I hated not being able to go anywhere. I hated not having certain amenities like a consistent hot shower and a dryer. Don't get me wrong, I love Mexico, but I can't live there again like I did before. I just don't fit there.

I just want to be independent again, and not have to depend on my dad for everything. I feel so bad that he is starting to feel he can't afford to take care of me, take care of my sister and pay her rent, plus make two house payments and take care of my step-mom's 87 year old cousin, all at the same time. 

But how much longer until I actually get a job? I've been here since October... I've applied to so many damn jobs I can't even keep track. I've only had ONE flipping interview and they end up hiring someone else. It's been 5 months already. My stress level has not changed at all from being in Mexico vs being here, well, maybe just a little better, but running back to Mexico is NOT an option for me. People are mean. I already know that his cousins will start the rumors that I was so stupid I couldn't get a job so I came running back like a dog with his tail between his legs. The job situation problem is partially limited by my transportation issue and partly my huge gaps in employments, and partly the fact that there is not much out there and so many people are applying for the same damn jobs...

I FEEL SO LOST RIGHT NOW!!! :'(