Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Why I blog and the next chapter of my life

I don't blog because I'm getting paid to. I don't blog for anyone other than myself.

In all honesty, I could make my blog private so that its nothing but my own personal diary.

But I don't.

Why? Because maybe, just maybe, someone out there will read what I have to say and perhaps feel better about things going on in their life... perhaps not, but you never know. But the very heart of it is- I will explode if I can't release pent up anger and other emotions, hence blogging. I no longer have a piano to sit at for hours and hours to calm myself down with. I don't have a confidant that I can call upon at any hour to whine at or cry to. I never truly have had that.

And that is my main reason for blogging. Maybe someone will read this and want to reach out to me and try becoming a friend. Who knows.

Right now I feel lonely. I have a new friend who has similar interests as me. She also has a needy side to her that I see in myself, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't realize it in herself. Or maybe she does and chooses not to talk about it like I choose to not talk about it. When I had my computer, I was exactly like her, always online chatting with whomever was online. Now I don't have that and feel twice as lonely. She and I have a mutual friend who I sort of have had a crush on. Here's the catch- I started talking with him, introduced her to him, and now they are nearly best of friends chatting and texting and walking around town... while I'm sitting alone asking around if anyone wants to walk with me or chat with me.

Yes. I'm a bit jealous that they have a good friendship now. I did have a couple good friends that I could chat with like that and joke around with and go places with... but they are now in California and I'm not there anymore. I'm looking for someone I can chat with and go do things with.

Ha, the other night was my birthday. It also was a Halloween costume and karaoke party. I went with my friend and her family... when he showed up I was suprised because we both thought he wasn't going to show up. Suddenly I felt very self concious of my costume :/  he's wears the hat of photographer (among the many hats he wears) so of course he had his camera wth him all night. I have always been camera shy and when I see pictures of me I cringe at what I see. Of course he took a few pix of me that night. I talked to him a bit as well, which has been rare since he became such good friends with my other friend. I seriously have never been tongue tied when I speak to anyone, but I sort of do around him.  I guess the thing that bothers me the most is that I have been looking for a friend that I can hang out with, joke around with, chat about everything and nothing with, and I secretly wanted to connect with him in that manner- nothing more than good quality friendship... and my other friend connected with him the way I wanted to.

Am I that shy then? I don't speak up or speak my mind very often. And when I try, it always comes out jumbled or sounding very stupid and I ramble. LMFAO, maybe I was never properly socialized as an adult. I have spent my entire adult life so far around children. I went from being a teenager to all of a sudden being a mom an a wife and I never experienced life as a single girl. 

Maybe that's my biggest problem. *sigh* nearly 16 years later I'm trying to restart my life and I'm looking at it through the eyes of a teen, not an adult, because I don't know what being an adult feels like? I'm just throwing punches in the wind. I really don't know. Maybe someone else will make sense of all my mumble jumble and help me figure out this whole mess...  for now I will continue to cry myself to sleep and dream of the easy life where I can say whatever I want and people will like me and love me and... yeah, I'll just continue to dream. :'( 

I'm ready for the next chapter of my life to really begin though. Its sort of been playing the overture, but its not been clear. The overture has some really dynamic and real parts to it, but the rest is mumble jumble. I just need to allow the end of the overture and really get into the next chapter. This book will be written as I go. My friend tonight said "we need to find you a guy you can talk with". Well, there is one I had in mind but it seems like he didn't think I was worthy... at least that's how I picture it. I'm probably totally wrong, but this is where I say I don't know how to talk to people. *sigh* ok. Now even I'm not making sense to myself. This will have to continue another posting at a later time. :o(

Kira sandoval :o)