I keep praying that this statement will come true soon for me. :o). I can't keep a certain someone out of my mind. That song by Lady Antebellum always comes to my head as well- "...and I wonder if I ever cross your mind? For me it happens all the time..."
Monday, November 26, 2012
I can't watch other people who are happy and affecionate with each other because it, conciously and unconciously, remind me of how my life used to be... and how it could be if I ever found someone to love me again. I can't even watch romantic movies, comedies or whatever, without feeling sad.
What am I supposed to do to get those feelings of hopelessness out of my mind? I feel as if I will never be able to trust or love someone ever again. Both my trust and love have been, in my mind, irrevocably broken. It would tae a true miracle from God to encounter trust and love with another man in my lifetime.
I cant settle for maybe anymore. I need to be happy so I can accomplish what I need to accomplish for my kids. Is it wrong to believe that I can only be happy if I have someone by my side that loves me and gives me the type of love that I didn't get before? :'( and what the hell did I not recieve before?
*sigh* I'm a complicated mess. I don't even know what I'm mising, only that I will know when the time comes... and when the hell will that time come, I have no fucking idea. :(
Kira sandoval :o)
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Friday, November 23, 2012
Can't I get my dreams under control? Is the devil toying with me, or is God sending me a message?
I seriously am crazy... why else would I keep having dreams and allowing the dreams to blur into reality?
Most of these dreams more than likely will remain just that- dreams... deep down though, I have the gut feeling that a few of my reoccurring dreams WILL actually come true. When? I do not know. I pray that I will happen sooner than later.
But if I'm wrong? I don't know how I can keep moving forward :/
Kira sandoval :o)
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Thanksgiving is over... I have said many thanks in the past 22 days. I'm thankful for being alive, for the love of God, for being given the ability to have children... and that is the biggest reason for me feeling the depression getting to me again...
I miss my children so much. I have been away from them for a year and one month now. I don't have the means to communicate with them the way I want to. I have to deal with my soon-to-be ex in-laws and son-to-be ex-husband. I'm tired of the bullshit with them. I have wired over $2000 in the last year to them for stuff my children need and to pay off my personal debts, and not everything is being taken care of as promised.
My soon-to-be-ex husband is not ever wanting to talk to me. Everytime I call, he comes up with excuses not to talk with me. :'( not that I really want to talk with him, but its neccessary for our children. I have not been able to discuss what is happening with them, how he is handling school and meals for them, and if he is able to provide enough. All I hear is from the kids, and he's hardly home, just as he was always in the states- never home and if I had to be at a meeting and he had to be with them, he would always pawn them off on his brother, sister, or sil so he could go hang out with his friends and drink. >.< Obviously nothing has changed. I'm even not convinced that he has not stayed clean from meth. I probably, actually scratch that... I will NEVER be able to trust him again. I gave him two years as a last chance, to clean up and prove he cared for me and wanted to fix our relationship... that never happened. :'(
Now I'm up here, alone with way too much time to think. I have encountered friendships that I never had in California, that helped me to see how blind I had been to how I was treated. One friendship in particular showed me that there is life after love. I'm not saying that this friend will ever turn out to be more than a friend, but this person opened my eyes to possibility. I wasn't even looking for that possibility at all. I haven't even felt comfortable enough with this particular friend to talk about more than how much I miss my kids. I'm grateful for friendships like this, friendships that have allowed me to talk and reveal so much without being judgemental. Frindships that have stuck with me for a year now, despite finding out what they know so far.
Even if one friendship only remains as a friendship, I will be eternally grateful. Friendship is the most important thing in life right now for me.
All I want is to be happy again. I want my kids with me. I want someone beside me that loves me for who I am, despite my past, and loves my kids as his own...someone who will just be there and hug me silently when I am tired/sad/upset, cheer me on when I accomplish great things, take care of me when I'm sick, not worry and complain when I'm too tired or when I get distracted from things I'm trying to do... I want to be with someone who I can talk to for hours about everything and nothing at the same time, laugh with, someone who has similar likes as me, but different as well to teach me new things... I'm just so tired of bullshit. I want to have my divorce to go quietly and quickly. I want way too much, I know... :'(
Sorry for being depressive now... I really hate feeling like this...
Kira Sandoval :o)
Monday, November 19, 2012
I do wonder if a certain someone feels that way about me. :/ I actually pray that I would hear those words from someone special. I would love that. After 15 years of a crappy marriage, I honestly never heard those words come out of any man's mouth :'(
Kira sandoval :o)
Monday, November 12, 2012
What can one do about dreams that seem so real yet the reality will never measure up?
I have been dreaming about many things lately. One in particular has taken over my mind so badly that I am starting to get confused. Boundries between the dream and reality have sort of fused together, they are hard to see right now. The worst thing about this dream is that a few small pieces of the dream HAVE become reality, so logic follows that other pieces will become reality as well. But we aren't logical at all when it comes to dreams.
When you wake up after dreaming and can't tell the difference between your dream and reality, then something is wrong. :o(
How can I fix this?
Kira sandoval :o)
Thursday, November 08, 2012
Being drug into other peoples drama is really wearing me down. :o(
My roommate is bad enough, but the other crap that has been going over the last few days REALLY is pushing me close to breaking point... (ok some of the things going on are not crap but still major issues in my life).
Soon though the majority of it will be behind me and I will be able to relax a whole lot more. Although I won't be able to relax fully until my kids are with me. :o(
I have some good new friends that are doing an exceptional job keeping me occupied and trying to help me get away from most of the drama. As a friend told me the other night, I got to keep my head above water. I think, as long as I continue with a few of these new friendships, I will be able to.
Kira sandoval :o)
Sunday, November 04, 2012
It seems that my perceptions have decieved yet again. My mind is reeling right now :o( I am treading on thin ice right now with a few friendships because of the perceptions "disagreement" I like to call it.
On the other hand- one newer friendship is forming that I had been worried about. Turns out one friend was feeding false info to the newer friend: telling this new friend I was not worth becoming friends with, for very strange reasons. :/ And the friend also purposely egged me on and led me to believe I was being purposely slighted by other people. I had a nice 3 hour chat with the newer friend, cleared things up and reached an accord. I feel much better now, knowing that the newer friend understands me enough to realize I am not that type of friend. I even discovered that newer friend and I have quite a bit in common. Newer friend even said "I think we could be great friends." Its nice to know that someone really wants to get to know me and actually tells me that to my face! Feels really nice.
Now what can I do about the other friend? I truly don't know. I'm frustrated and upset, but honestly not very shocked by most of what I found out. I had that gut feeling something was amiss... don't you just love those gut feelings?
So for now I will continue taking life one day at a time. I will continue to start my day on a positive note. Until then...
Kira Sandoval :o)