Thursday, September 20, 2012

Fitting in and perceptions

It's funny how you percieve things upon first impressions, then discover later on it was completely wrong. Sometimes you just smack yourself on the forehead and say "How could I have been so stupid?"

That's how I feel. Actually I'm feeling a bit immature. I don't quite fit in among the people who surround me. I'm not up to the same level of intellegince as most of them. I feel a bit dumb around them to be honest.

As for those perceptions- I saw something that wasn't really there, but it took me at least two months for that to hit me, and wake me up. I'm certain that my loneliness caused me to see mirages.

Yes. Loneliness. 15 years of being married and I'm lonely. I met someone, and I thought I saw interest, curiosity, possibility... when there was nothing. A mirage. When your thirsty you see a mirage of water. I'm thirsty for companionship, friendship, to find someone who will accept me for who I am, treat me with respect, TALK with me, converse with me, go places with me, love my children the way I do, and more importantly, understand me.

My husband is not that person who I thought and percieved him to be in the beginning. I think we really rushed into things and did not take enough time to get to know each other well enough. You would think after 16 years we'd know each other well enough.

I know him well enough to know how opposite we are. We have opposing views of how our children should be raised. I'm the by-the-book-as-much-as-possible kind of gal; he's pushing limits and breaking laws. I like comfort; he likes thrill. He is all about sex (but then again most men are); I am perfectly comfortable with only cuddling (in fact I actually prefer that). I love the arts; he is a sports fanatic (mostly soccer). I love to read a great book; he loves to drink.  He's even gone as far as doing various drugs just to try (and even was addicted to one but still denies it); I hate even taking over the counter medications. That's just scratching the surface...

So twice in one week I've had to smack myself upside the head and say "how could I have been so stupid?"  For one, I realized my marriage was over, and has been for a few years now; and two, I realized that I allowed my lonliness to get the better of me and see something where there is nothing.

And to top it off, I've started feeling dumb and insignificant. The new friendships I have forming are with people who have way more than I do. They all have great jobs, are homeowners, and are extremely intelligent (a couple are computer czars- to borrow one's favorite word); while I'm struggling to find a great job and frantically looking for permanent housing. I don't feel witty, charming, intelligent or funny. I've already been told by a few of my new friends that I ramble and talk way too much, and divulge too much info to whomever will listen.

I've said it before months ago: I don't know who I am. This has been the hardest 10 months of my life so far, and I am certain its only beginning. :o(

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Strange dreams, hard emotions

Ok, so this one dream I had early this morning wierds me out. I am wondering what significance it has, since it was so vivid and I remember nearly everything...

I had decided to go for a walk, cause I was feeling upset about being told something. As I'm walking, I run into two friends. One was supposed to have gone walking with me but never answered my phone calls or texts. I said "why didn't you call me?"

"Oh," she says... "I wasn't planning on going, and I didn't want to bother you, but I'm done."

Well, I say "ok, whatever," and turned to leave to continue my walk.

About 10 minutes later I run into them again,  and I say, "hey I thought you were done." And she says, "I am." And I am beyond frustrated at this point, so I turn to walk around the house where I ran into them. When I get to the front, they both had followed me, then call my name out saying "Kira wait!" 

(Now at this point of the dream, I have already forgotten the exact words said).  They both then start trying to explain what happened with this guy, and it wasn't what I thought it was. He just wanted to go have fun with his friend. I'm upset (this I remember) because I had texted him about something and never heard back, and then I found out he went to a bar with a friend... I was also feeling like he was ignoring me completely on purpose.

So I just say, "I don't want to talk about it. Why are you making this cruel joke on me?"

Next thing I know, I'm in my house, crying. And its the house I grew up in, but in the town I'm living in now. Two other people, who were there and whose faces were blurry, said something to the effect of "you need to talk to him, he didn't know."

I just sigh and say, "I should have known."

Then they both look out the window and say, "oh things will work out. Here comes so and so to help you."

I look out the window, and see another friend walking to the front door, and I start to panic and say, "I don't want to talk to anyone about this. I'm so stupid."  Then I run to my bedroom and slam the door shut, and lock the door, then lean against the door, slide down and sit and start crying all over again, all the while shouting like a pre-teen having a temper tantrum "my marriage ended miserably and now you guys play this cruel joke on me!"

And then I wake up. Actually, my phone wakes me up cause I got a text, lol.  But tidbits of emotions still surface from my dream. I just came to the conclusion a few days ago that my marriage is over but I cannot do anything about it until I have all 3 kids back with me. Surprisingly enough, a friend came into my life that I hadn't expected. Yes, I have what sounds like a crush on this friend, but I'm fairly sure he doesn't correspond. And besides, I am not looking, nor do I have plans to look until I have my childrens needs taken care of first. So going back to the emotions- I'm feeling left out of a few things, lonely, hating not having something or someone to distract me from the pain of what I have to deal with... all the while secretly hoping that the friendship slowly turns into something else with him.

I remember another dream before that one- I was talking to him, trying to ask him to be patient with me because I had to have my kids back with me before I could even file the divorce, for fear of my kids dad doing something awful to prevent me from having them back. :o(    That dream morphed into the one I talked about first.

Am I just going crazy? Am I letting my depression get to me again? I'm positive I had been seeing non-existant things. Yet, I can't get these dreams of this guy to stop. I know that right now there is nothing more than a new friendship. I need to be thankful for that.

I don't know how things will be resolved between me and my husband, but I am afraid of even letting him know my plans while the kids are living in Mexico. I'm a scaredy cat, actually more of a pessimist when it comes to dealing with this. 15 years of marriage. Its all I've known. I'm a naturally over-emotional person, and also tend to speak without thinking... that equates to saying more than neccessary to anyone who will listen. :/

When it comes to this guy, he's unlike any guy I have ever met. He's extremely observant for one thing. Is funny, silent a lot of the time, yet is not afraid to speak his mind. My other friend made an observation the other day that he seems like the "knight in shining armour" type of guy, with the urge to save the "damsel in distress" but actually helping out whoever needs it right now.  The funny thing is, I thought about this as well. Heck, he is currently searching for his "Princess Bride." Actually, his public social media profile says he's looking for his "partner in crime."

*sigh*  I just need someone to distract me, and I'm starting to get worried this "crush" is becoming an obsession, which I don't need. How can I keep these thoughts out of my head? :/ 

Saturday, September 15, 2012

I keep reminding myself this...

There's more where this came from too... gotta love facebook for these neat messages. :o)

Friday, September 14, 2012


I seemed to have forgotten that I had this blog for venting, until the last few days, LOL!

I have been so frustrated over so many things lately, it has helped to go back to the writing things down "therapy."

I don't care if no one ever reads this or if everyone reads this. It just helps me get things off my chest. Although, I realized the other night that I may have said some things previously that I may or not have wanted others to know about, but OOPS... oh well. I got it off my chest and can't have any regrets now. If it was read by the people I didn't want to know, then too late. I accept the consequences of my actions. After I am an adult, right???

Well, anyway, I'm on a borrowed laptop. I can't wait until I can either get my own fixed or purchase a new one. The way things are going I have no idea how long it will take me. My goal is to have enough for at least a new mini notebook by December. We shall see.

Lots of decisions are still needed to be made in my personal life. *sigh*  Talks with some close friends over the last few days have prompted this sudden blogging frenzy by me. I have too much to get off my chest. I'm about to burst. I want too much, I'm too confused... yada yada yada. Yeah, I know. Stop over thinking Kira!!! >.<

Maybe I need to redirect my energies to something else? So then I need some local friends to help me redirect myself, AKA DISTRACT ME!! HAHAHAHA. I guess I do have two new good friends that have started helping distract me from this crap. The distraction is not necessarily to postpone the decision making, rather to help me make an informed and un-emotional decision... if that  makes sense. It doesn't matter if it makes sense to whoever reads this, LMAO!  I feel like a teenager again when we talk about doing things. Like going for walks for three hours in the late evening and coming home in the middle of the night... *insert sheepish grin here*  yeah, I did that recently.  Upcoming plans to do things for Halloween are exciting me. Its' been way too long that I have been able to do anything for myself, for my own happiness. I feel slightly guilty though, since my kids are not with me. I don't think I will ever get used to them being away from me, even temporarily.  My main happiness has always been involved with them, and will always be a part of my main happiness... however, I need time for myself. I have not had time for myself in 15 years.

So, the main question I know that is burning on everyone's mind is: is my marriage over with?  *sigh* I do not know how to answer that without sounding cold and calculating or a heartless bitch.  There will always be something there that I cannot explain, however the love that brought me to him is no longer there. I guess I could say that I still care deeply for him, but I don't love him the same way anymore. Just saying that gives me the chills. I probably have said it before, but I never imagined myself to ever be in this position and I never planned on getting here. Circumstances (fate?) have me where I am now.

Ok, I think I'm rambling. I tend to do that. My mind jumps all over the page and that's how my writing style is as well. :/

Thursday, September 13, 2012

What do you do...

When everyone around you has what you have been working for and still don't have?

That's what it seems like for me right now. Everyone around me has been successful in their lives in one way or another. Me- its been one tumble after another and I don't have the success that I've needed to get ahead. The only good thing in my life that has happened is my children. However, they are also the one (or should I say 3) reason(s) why I have not have want I've been working for.

I want a house. I want a car. I want to have enough money to not need foodstamps.

But most of all, I want to find happiness. People constantly tell me- happiness is what you make of it.   True. That I can't deny. The problem is that as soon as I feel happiness something dreadful shows its ugly head and happiness hides itself again. It usually buries itself so deep, its extremely hard to find it again. I have given up looking on more than one occasion.

I feel resigned to the possibility I will never have what I want, if my life stays on the same path. So here I go again with the confusion and different lives, lol. I'm not schizophrenic, seriously, lol. *sigh*

I'm repeating myself. It just keeps circling round my crazy head. :/

Being an adult sucks

Seriously. I think I'm coming down with the Peter Pan syndrome. I don't wanna grow up...

I have some pretty serious decisions to make in the near future. Its maing a decision that will affect not just me but others around me, and that's the sucky part.

I just want to shove it under a pile of junk and forget about it. Sadly that won't happen. It has to be done, and honestly I have a short time in which to make the decision.

I never dreamed, even in my wildest dreams, that I would end up having to make a decision like this. I was warned as a kid that being an adult was difficult. Ha!  No one ever said it would be THIS difficult! :o(

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

State of confusion

That's where I am right now. I'm swimming along the white water rapids in the state of confusion.

"What is causing this", you ask?

I'm torn between lives.

"Do what makes you happy!" you say.

The problem is I don't know what will make me happy. :o(

One life is the one I've only ever known. The other is unknown, but holds many new adventures. The first needs some major repairs, and I have put out a lot of effort to repair it but have not been successful. The second- again, unknown and that scares me.

Remember when I talked about feeling compelled to do things, that unexplicable feeling that I just HAD to get somewhere for some reason. That is a piece of the second life. I have never had those compelling feelings in my first. They scare me yet give me a thrill. What am I supposed to do about that?

If I can somehow mesh my first with the second it may work. There are components of the first that abolutely have to be a part of the second. Of course there are components that have to be let go of if I am to follow the second. and that's where I've crosed the boundaries into the state of confusion.  Am I yet prepared to let go of those components?  Am I prepared to let the unknown and more of these compelling feelings to lead me down that new path?

I simply do not know.

I want someone to cross my path and help me make that choice, even if that person doesn't realize they are helping me make that choice. Only, that type of person is also an unknown.

*SIGH* right now I just cannot think straight. I feel like I'm on autopilot. Except when those compelling feelings crop up. Then I feel like I stumble and get even more confused.

Ok. I think I've confused everyone enough. Confusion is not ideal at this moment in time. :o(