Fitting in and perceptions

It's funny how you percieve things upon first impressions, then discover later on it was completely wrong. Sometimes you just smack yourself on the forehead and say "How could I have been so stupid?"

That's how I feel. Actually I'm feeling a bit immature. I don't quite fit in among the people who surround me. I'm not up to the same level of intellegince as most of them. I feel a bit dumb around them to be honest.

As for those perceptions- I saw something that wasn't really there, but it took me at least two months for that to hit me, and wake me up. I'm certain that my loneliness caused me to see mirages.

Yes. Loneliness. 15 years of being married and I'm lonely. I met someone, and I thought I saw interest, curiosity, possibility... when there was nothing. A mirage. When your thirsty you see a mirage of water. I'm thirsty for companionship, friendship, to find someone who will accept me for who I am, treat me with respect, TALK with me, converse with me, go places with me, love my children the way I do, and more importantly, understand me.

My husband is not that person who I thought and percieved him to be in the beginning. I think we really rushed into things and did not take enough time to get to know each other well enough. You would think after 16 years we'd know each other well enough.

I know him well enough to know how opposite we are. We have opposing views of how our children should be raised. I'm the by-the-book-as-much-as-possible kind of gal; he's pushing limits and breaking laws. I like comfort; he likes thrill. He is all about sex (but then again most men are); I am perfectly comfortable with only cuddling (in fact I actually prefer that). I love the arts; he is a sports fanatic (mostly soccer). I love to read a great book; he loves to drink.  He's even gone as far as doing various drugs just to try (and even was addicted to one but still denies it); I hate even taking over the counter medications. That's just scratching the surface...

So twice in one week I've had to smack myself upside the head and say "how could I have been so stupid?"  For one, I realized my marriage was over, and has been for a few years now; and two, I realized that I allowed my lonliness to get the better of me and see something where there is nothing.

And to top it off, I've started feeling dumb and insignificant. The new friendships I have forming are with people who have way more than I do. They all have great jobs, are homeowners, and are extremely intelligent (a couple are computer czars- to borrow one's favorite word); while I'm struggling to find a great job and frantically looking for permanent housing. I don't feel witty, charming, intelligent or funny. I've already been told by a few of my new friends that I ramble and talk way too much, and divulge too much info to whomever will listen.

I've said it before months ago: I don't know who I am. This has been the hardest 10 months of my life so far, and I am certain its only beginning. :o(