Somewhere, I've seem to have lost control. I don't know who my husband is. I don't even know if I ever knew who he was. All I can remember is that he is a good man, wanting to do good and help people, and an amazing father.
Lately he's befriended people that make me wonder if I got something wrong somewhere along the line. He brings these people to my house, allows them to stay over, and introduces me to them. Most of these people I feel are good people as well, just they are in really bad places right now. I just can't allow the stuff they do to penetrate into my household. Is that wrong? My hubby wants to help them, but I don't know how he can.
He's starting to act like a teenager again, sort of like he was when we first got together. I'm trying to make positive changes in my life to help my family, but I'm not sure if he even understands what I am trying to do. When these people are here, I put on a face that I'm always happy or just down to earth. But honestly, I am not happy. I want to be. I ask him to have them leave early because of the kids, but he just says I can't. I don't understand why. He gets mad at me when I ask that. But I tell him to think of his kids.
I can hear some of the people outside right now. I want to be friends with most of them, but their lifestyle doesn't fit into mine. How can I be friends with people who are complete opposites of me? Just thinking about that makes me feel sick to my stomach. I can't please my husband, and I can't please everyone else either.
When did I loose that sense of control?
Monday, May 11, 2009
Well, I'm about 8 months late on this birth announcement, LOL! I've been dedicating my time to Gabriel, and my other two as well.
Gabriel Isaiah was born September 15, 2008 at 1:45 am. He weighed 9lbs 7 oz, and measured 21 inches!
His birth story is something that we'll treasure forever!
I had been anticipating his birth for quite a number of days, thinking that he would come about 2-3 weeks early since my daughter was 2 weeks early. As each day passed, I started to worry that I would be one of those women who would go past the due date! A friend of mine was due 3 days before me, and ended up a week overdue with her third. Another friend had been about two weeks overdue with her fifth! So I was starting to panic.
On Sunday, September 14, I called my dad. I hadn't spoken to him in a few months, so I had to call and say hi. We discussed a variety of things, but one topic stood out: when would I actually go into labor. My dad's birthday is September 20, and he said he wouldn't mind sharing his birthday with his grandson, lol! Well, about 1/3 of the way through the phone call, I started feeling a bit strange. Then the strangeness turned into a feeling of "pop" and then a bit of trickling. I cut our conversation short, saying that I had to go cook dinner, but that I would call him later in the week. Well, as soon as I got off the phone I said to my kids and to my SIL, "I think my water just broke!" It was a strange feeling. With my other two, I never had my water break until I was nearly fully dilated. So I call my husband and told him to hurry his butt home becasue I needed to go into the hospital. He thought I was joking and told me to call him back after I talk to the doctor, but I told him, "Just get your butt home NOW!!" As soon as I hung up with him, I called my doctor. Well, I called the nursing line at the hospital. The nurse that spoke to me said that if I thought my water had broken then I should come in to be checked. By the time I had my bag put together with the essentials (pj's for me and baby, blankets for baby, toothbrush, toothpaste, pads...) DH finally showed up. The kids were going crazy, jumping up and down saying "It's time!!! IT'S TIME!!" He still was not convinced. I said, "No rush. I still don't feel contractions close enough to worry, but I still need to go and be checked."
Oh, and when I felt my water break it was about 6:30pm. DH arrived at the house by 7:15, and we were out the door by 7:30. At that time, contractions were about every 15-20 minutes. Before that, I had been experiencing contractions on and off for two months, so I was pretty much ready for them. We stopped for gas and snacks for the kids on the way, and arrived at the hospital a little after 8pm.
By the time I checked in, I was feeling contractions a bit closer. About ever 10-12 minutes. The nurse checked me with a little alkaline strip to check for amniotic fluids. The test came out positive which meant that, yes, my water had indeed broke. I was given two options. One, go home and wait and come back when my contractions were 3-4 minutes apart; or two, stay. I was afraid that I wouldn't get back in time, so I said "Stay!" Because my water had broken, the midwife asked if she could put me on pitossin to try and help speed things up. I didn't know that you run the risk of infection once your water breaks before hard labor starts. I agreed, and she started me on a very low dosage of pitossin. I don't know how low it was, but it was enough to get those contractions from every 10-12 minutes to every 2-4 within an hour!
Then they started to get intense. At 11pm I was bouncing on the birthing ball, starting to feel some pain from the contractions, so I called for the midwife. "I need something to take the edge off," I told her. I was determined to go completely natural, but at this point I had to have something to ease my pain. Not eliminate it completely, mind you, but ease it to a tolerable level again. BUt because I wanted some pain medication, the midwife had to check to see how dilated I was. I hadn't been checked at all before this moment because of the risk of infection. I was suprised to find out that I was already at 7cm!! So from 6:30 when my water broke to a little after 11pm, I went from who knows what to 7cm. DH had no clue what to think, and asked if that meant he could still go home and rest before it was time. HA. I had to explain to him, and the nurse and the midwife had to explain again immedieatly after me, that going from 7 to complete could be anywhere from 30 minutes to 8 hours, and you never know because each woman and each pregnancy is so different. He assumed that everyone was the same. Whatever. lol.
I was glad I got some pain meds. After that, they really got intense. Both kids were sleeping on the couches in the room by midnight. But they didn't get much time to sleep because a little after 1am...
I grabbed DH's hand and said, "It's time, I need to push!" It was surreal. I cannot honestly recall DS#1's birth or DD's birth in such detail. I had the urge to push, and the midwife just said, OK then start pushing, as she calmly started to gown up and get ready. I wouldn't do anything until she was ready and sitting at the foot of my bed. As soon as she was there, I said "Now!" 5-8 pushes later, Gabriel is born!! The whole time I'm pushing, DD has my hand and is saying "Keep up the good work mom, you can do it, keep up what you are doing, don't stop!" Ok. She's not even 9 at this point. DS#1 just says, "go mom, go!" He's a month away from turning 11. DH was trying not to pass out from lack of sleep!
I am so grateful that my kids were allowed to play an active role in bringing thier little brother into the world. They will forever remember this day, and have said many times since, that they appreciate me more because they now understand what I went through to have them. But more than that, they have an attatchment to thier younger brother that I never experienced.
And now, it's off to bed to nurse Gabriel!!