Thursday, May 29, 2008
I'm a nervous wreck.
I have so many fears going into this: my main one is that he will be taken away and deported directly from the courtroom. I can't bear to think about what that would do to the kids, let alone what would happen to me and the baby.
I just can't focus on anything right now other than praying for a positive outcome to this mess.
And as if I had enough to stress me out, there's more!
My sister in law decided a week ago that she was going to finally leave her cheating, lying, drunk, and drug dealing/using boyfriend of 6+ years. But of course, where can she go??? She comes to live with us! If she was by herself, I'd have no problems, but the stresser is that she has three kids. My niece is the same age as my son, 10.5, but I also have two very young nephews- a 2.5yo and an 11mo.
And they are all staying in the living room.
What is even more disturbing to me is the way she handles them and what she does to them when she is angry. Just the other day, she got angry at the 2.5yo and literally threw him across the living room. Then today, my niece got her angry and she did the same to her, but caused my niece to fall on top of the 2.5yo. He started crying so much that he threw up. And my niece couldn't stop crying for an hour afterwards.
I understand that she is under tons of stress, partly in denial that she's single again, and still trying to cope with two little kids. She yells too much at all three of them- and get's mad at the 11mo for doing things a normal 11mo does, but she tries to treat him like he's much older and wiser. Actually, it's the same for all three of them- she treats them like they should be at least 3-5 years older than they really are.
But getting to the point that she throws her children across the room, and in front of me and my two kids and their friends is a bit much.
Oh, and if I as so much as yell at my kids or throw a pillow or piece of clothing at my kids, she threatens to call CPS on me. But if I say anything to her she responds with "yeah and you can get into trouble with what you do too!" Huh? I've never actually hit my kids or thrown them like that.
And did I mention that I'm stressed out with this pregnancy??
I have too much to do, so I'll have to stop typing. I have to sort laundry and help hubby clean the room. More stress, but it needs to be done. Sigh.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
That is until now.
I decided to start reading it yesterday, and even though I'm only 25 pages into the book (about 1/6 of the way through), I've enjoyed what I've read. To top it off, I've encountered a few possible reasons why I'm feeling as depressed as I've been.
The book is called Motherhood-What it does to your mind, by Jane Price. As I continue reading I am trying to jot down notes and key phrases that stick out in my head as reasons for my problems. It is extremely mind boggling, and I've just scratched the surface, but I may be able to understand myself a bit more by reading this book.
I guess I can now thank my mom for giving me the book.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Now I'm starting to put a few together to see what works!!
Just starting to put ideas down. Who knows what we will really do. We still have nearly 4 months to decide!!
I need to shift my focus from my stress, so that's why I'm looking at names again.
Monday, May 12, 2008
MOTHERS and MOMS
This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms,
wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying,
'It's okay honey, Mommy's here.'
Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying babies who can't be comforted.
This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse.
For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes .
And all the mothers who DON'T.
This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see. And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.
This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors.
And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars. And that when their kids asked, 'Did you see me, Mom?' they cou ld say, 'Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world,' and mean it.
This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how child abuse happens.
This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the (grand)mothers who wanted to, but just couldn't find the words.
This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can eat.
For all the mothers who read 'Goodnight, Moon' twice a night for a year. And then read it again, 'Just one more time.'
This is for all the mothers who taught heir children to tie their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.
This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.
This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a little voice calls 'Mom?' in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home -- or even away at college -- or have their own families.
This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach aches, assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only o get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up. Right away.
This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't find the words to reach them.
For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when their 14 year olds dye their hair green.
For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings, and the mothers of those who did the shooting.
For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely.
This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a war.
What makes a good mother anyway?
Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips?
The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and
sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time?
Or is it in her heart?
Is it the ache she feels when she watches her son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time?
The jolt that takes her from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put her hand on the back of a sleeping baby?
The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A.M. when she just wants to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again in her home?
Or the need to flee from wherever she is and hug her child when she hears news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?
The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts are for young mothers stumbling through diaper
changes and sleep deprivation.
And for mature mothers learning to let go.
For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers.
Single mothers and married mothers.
Mothers with money, mothers without.
This is for you all. For all of us...
Hang in there. In the end we can
only do the best we can. Tell them
every day that we love them. And pray
and never stop being a mother...
Please pass along to all the mothers in your life.
'Home is what catches you when you fall - and we all fall.'
Please pass this to a wonderful mother you know.
(I just did!)
Saturday, May 10, 2008
I'm an uncomfortable mix of emotions right now.
It's not just due to being pregnant- everyone knows that pregnancy causes you to be more emotional than normal, but this is ridiculous.
Today I wanted to scream, throw things, hit the wall, go for a long walk off a short pier, call everyone as many crappy names as I could think of, eat nothing but chocolate, turn myself into a fish and just sit in the tub for the rest of my life...
I have no support. I have no friends. Well, that last one is not entirely true. I do have very few friends that I can trust and talk with about anything, but none of them live remotely close to me. I don't have any local friends is what I should have said. DH doesn't want to sit and listen to me. The girls I hang out with are not the trustworthy type and if I did tell them how I was feeling then nasty rumors would start circulating about me and my family.
What am I to do??
The one person I really want to talk with is in a temporary communication blackout because she is moving. I don't even know when she will be reconnected to the communication world.
All I can do right now is dig myself into the internet and chat on the forums, write a blog post, and listen to music.
I don't want to be so alone right now. It's the worst sort of loneliness: to have so many people around you, living with you, and still be lonely. This would probably be called severe post-partum depression, but I still have 4 more months until I actually have my baby- so what would you name this type of depression at this point??
I'm so scared and worried about what will happen with DH in June. That's one problem. I'm also annoyed that no one in my household has lifted a finger since February to help with cleaning the living room or kitchen. And I've been asking for help since February to clean out and get rid of all the clothes we don't need in our bedroom-you can't even walk in there without stepping on clothing and the kids toys and garbage. Of course, DH says it's all my fault. How in the hell can it be my fault when I cleaned and then two day's later it's a mess again with all of DH and the kids clothes thrown all over the floor? And I have been asking them for YEARS to help me keep things neat, but do they listen?? NOOOOOO!
Ok, yes I'm lazy. But I do get things done. At this point however, I can't do it by myself, and that's what they don't seem to get. DH claims I never ask for help- yet he won't help me after I've been asking for help for the last 6 months. And of course the kids are worse. DH says I am expecting too much from them. Give me a break. They are 8 and 10. Certainly old enough to wash thier own dishes, do a load of laundry, and pick up thier own mess. DH is worse than them. All he does is spend his time watching TV, sleeping, and drinking with his friends- when he is not working that is. So he shouldn't be complaining that I spend too much time on the computer. If he would be more proactive in helping me and showing the kids that as well, then I wouldn't be spending so much time online. I need some way to escape from the real world, just like he does. He should be glad I'm not like some of his friend's wives, who go out to bars and drink the night away.
Enough. I'm getting even more pissed just writing all of this down.
I need more help than I'm getting, and I don't see any hope for the future the way things are going. :(
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Here's what is on our list so far for first names:
I'll keep adding to the list as we get closer to the end of August.
But our criteria is a bit strange: DH wants a biblical name, but I want something that is culture neutral, meaning something that works well in english as well as spanish or has a similar name in english and in spanish. Example- Daniel is Daniel, but pronounced different. Marie can be Maria. I don't know if there are other names in that category, but that is what I prefer. I think those first two names on the list are in that cagtegory.
Help me come up with more boy names!!!