Tuesday, August 26, 2008

#$*#%$ Apartment manager!!

Do you think this guy is in his right to do this??

Ok, today my kids were outside the apartment playing. My son was playing soccer, well just passing the ball back and forth with his friends, and my daughter had been riding her bike with her friends. Well, about 6:30 my son comes inside and tells me that the manager just took his soccer ball away, told him that he can no longer play outside, and threw his sister's bike, along with three other bikes, into the garbage.


So I asked the kids to calm down and explain to me what they were doing when the manager came by. My daughter had just set her bike down, propped against the fence of the building to get something inside her friends house when the manager came by. My son saw the manager pick up her bike, and the other bikes, and toss them into the garbage bin. Then the manager told my son to hand over the soccer ball, and then he drove off with his ball.

I called the police to file a report. Of course, a police officer called me back and said that he couldn't do anything because the apartment complex was a privately owned area, and that the manager was in his right to do whatever he felt was necessary if any apartment rules were being broken. One of my neighbors also called the police and the officer ended up coming out to the apartments. We were told that basically, the police have no jurisdiction over the apartment complex because it is a privately owned property, and that the resident manager has the right to do whatever he wanted to because he was the person in charge of the property.

Something else- Before I called the police, I called and left a message on the manager's cell phone. I said I wanted to talk to him immediately because I was upset and I wanted to know what had happened. 20 minutes after I called him, and about 5 minutes after I called the police, he drives up to the building. I said, "Sorry, but I actually don't think I should talk to you right now because I am so mad at what has happened, and I have already called the police." He just said "ok fine" and then peeled off- and by peeled off I mean drove away going well over the posted speed limit of 10mph.

I mentioned that to the police officer, and he just shrugged and said that he cannot enforce the speed limit on private property. Ok, and this police is a traffic officer. I'm not fully understanding this at all.

First of all, there has been an ongoing problem with this particular manager. I've lived in this apartment for over 2 years now and have not had one personal dispute with the manager until this very day. I have many hispanic friends that live here as well, but they all have had many disputes with the manager over the last few years. The main problem is that the manager has been extremely disrespectful and often times downright abusive in dealing with kids. These last couple of months the manager has suddenly decided to drive or walk around the complex and tell the kids they are not allowed to play outside. My son has complained to me on numerous occasions that the manager told him to go inside. My friends have also told me that the manager has done the same to thier children. Children need to be outside, riding thier bikes, playing tag, etc, not inside becoming couch potatoes. The apartment complex has no play ground for the children. On the side of the complex where I live there are signs posted that say "Caution- children at play" On the side of the complex where the manager lives there is a sign that says "no skateboarding, rollerblading, bicycle riding, etc" There is no sign whatsoever that says that on this end of the complex. Our complex is basically divided into to areas, with two separate entrances and exits. In between each area is the office, pool, and tennis court. The only way to get from one area to the other is to walk.

Well, when the police officer arrived to talk to me and my neighbor who also called the police, he seemed annoyed that we called him for a civil problem. We walked him to the apartment manager's apartment and the officer briefly talked to the manager to fnd out what happened. The manager told him he has repeatedly told everyone to not block the common areas with the bikes, and that he has had way to many problems with bikes being left laying around, seemingly abandoned. He claimed that my daughter's bike and the others were blocking the driveway. He also claims that the fire department has been out multiple times for inspections recently and has given the manager multiple warnings about blocked fire acess, etc due to tennants bikes and other stuff. It's supposed to be in our contract that we cannot block common areas, cannot leave items in the breezeway of the buildings, etc. Ok I understand that. But the bicycles were not blocking the driveway and were not in anyway left haphazardly in the path that people need to walk, and were certainly not left abandonded.

Now with the case of my son and the soccer ball- the manager told the officer that the boys were hitting the cars with the soccer ball. Did he just insinuate that the boys were doing that on purpose and that is why he took the ball away from them? I'd understand if that was the case. However, shouldn't I have been notified immediately by the manager if my kids were doing something wrong? My kids would never purposely hit a car with the ball. When I asked my son about that he said they were just playing and the ball had accidentally hit one car at the same time the manager was throwing the bicycles into the garbage. You play with a ball, soccer or anything else, and of course the ball won't always stay where you want it to go, and could hit a car or someone. Everyone knows that.

Now the manger also told the officer that in our contract/lease it states that children must be supervised while they are outside. He actually said that in a different manner, which the officer interpreted that the kids are not allowed outside ever unless an adult is with them at all times. Umm, ok. You can supervise your kids from your apartment. You don't need to be watching them like a hawk or be standing there where they are playing or following them wherever they go to play. I can hear my kids and know where they are and know what they are doing. They can hear me from the apartment if I call them. I can see out my bedroom window what they are doing. I can stand on my balcony and watch them do stuff. My kids are not left alone with no parental supervision whatsoever. I am a responsible parent. Now, some of the other kids on the other hand are not supervised whatsoever. In fact, thier parents assume without actually getting my consent that I am watching their kids for them.

Oh I am so mad still, and it's been 3 hours since this all started. I've called the landlord and tenant dispute office and the property managment office and left messages. I will be calling them back in the morning to talk to someone before they can call me back.

If I go into labor tomorrow or this evening, then the manager will have to pay my bills for me since it is his fault. I can't even think anymore about this and cannot keep writing because I'm so angry.

Monday, August 18, 2008

What a wild weekend I had!

Wow. I'm exhausted!! It was a long and wild, but extremely fun weekend for me!

Friday I lots of stuff to do to prepare for my baby shower. But I had an appointment in the morning, so went to that. IT was just a new mother's group that was forming, and so we just hung out and talked about our kids. not everyone showed up, but I think I'm the only one that is pregnant in the group. There were quite a few newborns there too, including twin girls that were 2mo. DD was just ecstatic to see all those babies!!

Then I decided that it was time to get my hair cut, so I did that. And of course DD wanted to get her's cut as well, so I relented and allowed her to get it cut. They took of a little more than half the length, but that is what she wanted. Actually, she wanted it short and layers like how I did mine, but since her hair is fine, I told her that layers wouldn't work as well on her hair. She settled for short (just below the shoulders) and barely layered. And she looks good!! It's been a long time since she has had short hair, about 3 or four years now.

Then we got some shopping done and ordered the cake for my baby shower and picked up some decorations.

Saturday I took both kids out for lunch to Subway. Then we came home and I had them help me gather laundry and help me wash some clothes. DH called me around 3:30 to say to be ready at 5pm to go to a birthday party of a friends- I was just starting the laundry. Well, we ended up leaving the house after 6pm, because I wanted to shower, but had to wait for the towels to dry.

Well, guess what?? That birthday party ended up being a surprise baby shower for me!!! I'm amazed that DH was able to surprise me!! He's never done that before. IT was a blast. We didn't leave my friends house until midnight. Towards the end of the night we played a game of cards that I had never played before, and it must have been my lucky day because I won $24 from the game!

So then Sunday morning rolls around and we are all tired, but we still had tons of stuff to do. I had to go to Costco and get plates, napkins, silverware, and drinks for the planned baby shower, and a few tablecloths. By about 4pm I was at the pool setting up for the party. People started showing up around 5:30. The food finally arrived about 6pm.

I tell you again, I'm exhausted today, but very happy. I never had a baby shower with my first two kids, so this was one of the best weekends I've had. I'll post some pics later this week when I'm not so tired.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

As if I needed anything else to worry me...

I just found out last night that my dad had a heart attack on Tuesday.

His girlfriend emailed me to let me know. Supposedly he has been feeling "yucky" for the last few days and thought it was just because of his elevated blood sugar levels. Well then Tuesday evening he said he had felt heavy weight on his chest, and then sharp pain that lasted about 10-15 minutes, but then went away. He didn't think anything of it until she talked to him the next day. So he went into his doctor yesterday and they did an EKG, which didn't show anything, and drew some blood, which showed elevated levels of something that indicated that he had a heart attack. So his DR sent him straight to the emergency room for more tests. Sure enough, the tests revealed that he did have a heart attack, but they are not sure if it was one big event or a series of smaller ones. So he was transferred to another hospital to get a heart catheter put in place. He'll have that procedure done this morning around 11am.

I'm a little scared. He's approaching his 70's- his birthday is September 20 and I think he'll be 66 or 67 this year (can't remember). But he's always made light of his health for as long as I can remember. I so want to go visit him, but 1. I can't fly right now, 2. I'm so close to my due date that I run the risk of going into delivery up there, and 3. it's about a 10-12 hour drive. He's in a hospital outside of Portland, OR. My sister is closer, she's in Portland, but I don't know if she's going to be able to see him since she doesn't drive. He normally goes to visit her once a week or every two weeks, and has been helping her out a little financially while she is in school. So I'm a little worried about her as well. She's 25, so I know she's capable of taking care of herself. Its just that she's my little sis!

I couldn't sleep last night after reading that email. I'm going to try and call him this afternoon at the hospital and see how he is.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Still hanging in there!

This morning I had a follow up appointment with the psychiatrist to see how I've been doing on the Zoloft. I'm proud to say that I no longer feel like crying everyday. So far that's the only good change that has been noticeable to me. Side effects, on the other hand: I am sweating more, and did get very drowsy if I took the pill in the morning. I ended up taking it before bed after about a week and a half on it, because I would fall asleep during the middle of the day. Well, I'm sleeping better at least now!!! LOL! And the sweating I thought was a result of the warmer days we've been having here, but the DR said that it probably was a side effect of Zoloft. I guess I'm ok with that. If those are the worst side effects I will get, then I think this will be fine. The only thing is that we agreed to try and up the dose because I'm still not as happy as I would like to be. So I will start taking 100mg instead of 50. I'll try and see how that goes. I'll start tonight with the increased dosage.

I'm now 5 weeks away- 35 weeks and 1 day down, 34 days to go until baby!!! I'm starting to get a little nervous because there is a possiblity that it could be sooner. I have my regular visit with the midwife next Wednesday the 20th, and then I've scheduled a tour of the hospital to pre-register for the next evening the 21st. If only I could get the kids and DH to help out more right now, I wouldn't have so much to worry about! Laundry has piled up again, and I need to wash a few of the new baby clothes I have, along with the car seat cover... still no crib, but I did put one on my registry list at Baby Depot @ Burlington Coat Factory and I also have a registry at Target as well. My mom does have a moses basket for me that I will use until I do have a crib. I hope that either someone gets me the one I put on my registry, or we get the money to get it ourselves- it's a convertible crib! It can be converted into a toddler bed with bedrails, and then a twin bed with headboard and footboard when he's outgrown the toddler bed! I so wish we had gotten one when DS was little!

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Depression Blues

This week I was diagnosed with ante-partum depression, and prescribed Zoloft. I've had depression for a number of years now, but have never tried to get help. A few things that have happened in the last year triggered more of a downfall for me, and getting pregnant didn't make it better. I just started this week actually taking the medication. At this point in my pregnancy the doctor said that there were less risks to the fetus from the medication because his brain is pretty much developed as well as everything else. If I had started on the meds earlier, there would be a higher risk of developmental delays and such, but even then those are still not 100% certain. I felt that any risks would be outweighed by the benefits to me. I just want to be happy, and feeling comfortable with this pregnancy and not get worse when he is born. My dr also said that not getting the help and medication could be more detrimental to the health of my baby.

Since I've never taken any medication before to treat depression, I was put on 50mg to start, and told about all the possible side effects. I pretty much knew what to look for because I've done tons of research on the net about available medications and such. I was always afraid that nothing would ever work for me, or I would be one of the unusual cases of severe side effects. But again, at this point I just need to be feeling better. I have tons of other problems going on at home, and I want to straighten those out as well, but I can't if I'm not mentally well. So that is my top priority- get myself well so I can deal with other things. Also, as long as I am well, I know that my baby will be well.

Last journal entry from July 7

Now since this is the last journal entry I did, I think I feel comfortable enough to continue with the normal postings!!

I've been feeling very nauseated the last few days. I'm not getting the "Morning sickness" again. I've known others who got sick again the last trimester, but I don't want to deal with that.

Saturday I had a really bad cramp, but it was on the right side of my belly. It felt like the charlie horse I had in my leg- made me want to faint and nearly throw up. That was really weird and scary. It lasted about 5-10 minutes. I had another on my left side the next day, but it was very light, not like the first.

My appointments are now every two weeks. As of today I'm 30 weeks. I am also going to a Lamaze class with DH every Thursday night. Last week, July 3, was the first. It was interesting. I understand more about what is going on in my body and why I'm getting the aches and pains I do. I think DH was glad I made him come as well.

Well, since that first class, we were unable to go back. DH couldn't get off work in time and has been coming home by 8 or 9pm. He wants to get as many hours in as possible so we can try and start saving money again, plus he wants to be able to pay off a few debts before the baby is born. The most important debts we want to get rid of are the bank debts. We'll see if we make it!

Also, my doctor said that my side cramps were probably my uterine ligaments cramping up. I honestly have not done much exercise this time around, and it's getting harder to walk around. This entire pregnancy has been very different from the first two. I continue to have side cramps, but I'm trying to do some extra stretches every day. I feel stupid not to have continued my workouts at Curves, but it's too late to change things now.

Journal post from June 13

I am extremely overwhelmed. I'm starting to think it's too much. A friend has been helping me with organizing my life- starting with the visual mess. First, she, along with my SIL, went through my room throwing away whatever looked like trash to them and putting all the clothes into bags to be washed. What is happening here is overwhelming me so much I can't even write about it. And DH is acting like he doesn't care what is going on.

I needed the help really, I did, but this is too fast. And DH not being at home to help me or even just so I can talk to him about my feelings is not making this easier.

I'm not dealing with this well. Today my SIL helped organize the closets. She also decided that the living room needs to be rearranged and moved the furniture around. I hate it.

Well, after all that, I never tried to move the furniture back. It's still the same. Only what I'm trying to do is convince DH to get rid of the sectional he brought home, because it's taking up so much room in the living room, plus it's really nasty dirty now. And it's falling apart,and I cannot sit on it because it's so low to the ground, that's how old it is. He only brought it home because he thought we needed a new couch. Well, we sort of do, but not an old, falling apart, dirty couch. New is new, and that's what we really need. Maybe I can convince him this weekend that we really don't need it in the living room, especially since we need to have as much room as we can for the baby...

Update on post from May

I wanted to go back and update the situation I wrote about in this post.

First my SIL. She decided to move back to her apartment after about six weeks. At first, her ex was supposed to move out and claimed he would help pay the rent until she could find a job and/or get housing. Well, guess what? Stupid her allowed him to move back with her. After everything that happened between them, I had a sneaking suspicion that would happen, but she doesn't want me to tell her brother otherwise he'd get really pissed. I wouldn't blame him either. DH really hates that guy for what he's done to his sister. Anyway, the only good out of this is that my SIL decided that she would allow my niece to come live with us temporarily so that she can stay in school here. All my SIL needs to do now is to get some papers signed giving DH and I legal temporary custody of our niece allowing her to live with us and deal with anything that happens in school. She better hurry because school starts in 3 weeks.

Now to the immigration problem.

We got there and were told that we wouldn't be interviewed like they originally said we would. Turns out the judge already had his desicion. His explanation was that because he is only an admistrative judge for immigration he does not have the authority to base his decisions on anything other than the written fact. Therefore, he had to deny DH's petition to cancel removal proceedings. Here's the catch: we still had the right to appeal. So we said we'll appeal. Which means another year at least that DH can stay legally working until we hear from the appeal court. If that desicion is still a no, we have the right to appeal again to the 9th circuit court. Our lawyer said that we are lucky that we are living in CA because in any other state, the judges ruling would have no appeal possible.

What this means for us is another $3000 out of pocket, another year of waiting, and the possiblity that we will have to do another appeal. We've spent already $6000 on the case. Dont' get me wrong- it's worth the time and money if it means we still have a chance at a normal life together, but it's money we really don't have lying about, KWIM?

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Next journal entry from Feb. 26

My first sonogram was yesterday. That showed that I'm 11 weeks. But it doesn't make sense. Dec 26 was the only day I could have possibly conceived. I should be at 9 weeks. But the nurse said that the sonogram is the most accurate, more so than counting from the start of your last period. So what does that mean? I don't know. Do I want to? Who knows.

I had a nice conversation with my dad today. It's been nearly 5 mo since I've talked to him. It was comforting. I miss him and my sister. She's been working at Costco part-time, dancing three nights a week, and taking classes at Portland U. I have yet to talk to her but she seems busier than I am. Dad sees her every few weeks, helps her with groceries, but he says she's really happy. I'll talk to her soon.

Maybe one of the most interesting things that dad told me was that he forgave my mom for the things that she did that led him to want a divorce. I still don't understand the full details but I honestly don't want to know. I know enough. He's found his peace with God and said he felt the need to forgive her. I guess that's good. Now it's up to my sister to reach the same point. Dad says she still thinks that mom will burn in hell for everything. I don't know what to say to her.

What I didn't write down was that because of the ultrasound my due date was changed. When I first went in, they based my due date calculated on the first day of my last period- making my due date September 25. Then I go in for the next appointment with the ultrasound, the measurements of the fetus were at 11 weeks, instead of the 9 I thought I had. A few days after that, I finally got the nerve to call and talk to one of the nurses and ask why there was such a discrepancy. For some reason when they calculate based on the menstrual cycle they have more potential of getting the date wrong. So they always check the ultrasound for confirmation. Whatever the ultrasound measures, then that is what they go with. What that means is that my due date was changed to September 15. The nurse said it's fairly common for the due date to change based on the ultrasound. Well, we'll see what really happens!!!

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Journal entry from February 18!!

Well, this entry was made the old fashioned way, with a pencil and a piece of paper. At that time both my computers were down, no internet, and I was flat on my back, as you will see...

I should be blogging, but since I don't have internet for now I will just write the old fashioned way- Boy already my hand is cramping!

I've been sick for the last two weeks- for some reason it seems like the month of February always starts off with me sick. Anyway it started Monday the 4th. I cam home from school shivering uncontrollably, so I lied down on the couch with a blanket and tried to sleep. I'm pretty sure I had a fever. I ended up sleeping pretty much all day for the next two weeks.

Friday the 8th I had a DR's appointment that lasted a couple hours. So that was the only day I went out that week.

Now I have my appetite back, mostly. Lost of things are different this time. Any smell of cooking meat makes me nauseaus. I wasn't like that with either kid, so we'll see what happens over the next few months. I've also been getting strange cramps, bu only in the evenings and only every few days. I hope it's just "growth spurts."

My next appointment is tomorrow- early at 8:30am.

To top it all off, I was throwing up daily for those two weeks. I couldn't tell if that was flu related or pregnancy related, but I'm sure it was a combo of both. I ended up loosing almost 15lbs because I couldn't eat anything other than a few saltine crackers. Of course, once I was able to eat again, it came back right away.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Great news (for me at least)

I'm finally able to get into my blog to update without fear of my computer shutting down on me during the middle of a post!

I spent $300 on having my laptop repaired- there was a virus or two, the internal fans needed to be replaced so the computer would not overheat and shut itself down, and the computer guys had to do a complete back up, remove everything and re-install everything. Now the darn AC Adaptor isn't charging my battery properly, and the battery won't stay charged as long as it should. I could perhaps buy another couple of batteries, but how in the heck would I charge them back up?? And the computer guy said to replace the connection for the AC Adaptor would be about another $300! I might as well buy a whole new darn laptop. :(

At least I finally got my desktop fixed!!! WHOOHOO! That only cost $165 total to fix. I had to have the power source replaced. And the internet finally works on it as well!!

So that's what I mean by not having to worry about the computer shutting down on me in the middle of a post- I have my desktop up and running, and I won't be using my laptop for the time being. I'm going to try and save up for a new one. Who knows how long that will take!

I think I will also post some of my journal entries that I did when I didn't have a working computer at all. Someday I'll be glad I did!!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Stressing times

Only 6 more days until DH and the rest of us have to be in San Diego for his court date.

I'm a nervous wreck.

I have so many fears going into this: my main one is that he will be taken away and deported directly from the courtroom. I can't bear to think about what that would do to the kids, let alone what would happen to me and the baby.

I just can't focus on anything right now other than praying for a positive outcome to this mess.

And as if I had enough to stress me out, there's more!

My sister in law decided a week ago that she was going to finally leave her cheating, lying, drunk, and drug dealing/using boyfriend of 6+ years. But of course, where can she go??? She comes to live with us! If she was by herself, I'd have no problems, but the stresser is that she has three kids. My niece is the same age as my son, 10.5, but I also have two very young nephews- a 2.5yo and an 11mo.

And they are all staying in the living room.

What is even more disturbing to me is the way she handles them and what she does to them when she is angry. Just the other day, she got angry at the 2.5yo and literally threw him across the living room. Then today, my niece got her angry and she did the same to her, but caused my niece to fall on top of the 2.5yo. He started crying so much that he threw up. And my niece couldn't stop crying for an hour afterwards.

I understand that she is under tons of stress, partly in denial that she's single again, and still trying to cope with two little kids. She yells too much at all three of them- and get's mad at the 11mo for doing things a normal 11mo does, but she tries to treat him like he's much older and wiser. Actually, it's the same for all three of them- she treats them like they should be at least 3-5 years older than they really are.

But getting to the point that she throws her children across the room, and in front of me and my two kids and their friends is a bit much.

Oh, and if I as so much as yell at my kids or throw a pillow or piece of clothing at my kids, she threatens to call CPS on me. But if I say anything to her she responds with "yeah and you can get into trouble with what you do too!" Huh? I've never actually hit my kids or thrown them like that.

And did I mention that I'm stressed out with this pregnancy??


I have too much to do, so I'll have to stop typing. I have to sort laundry and help hubby clean the room. More stress, but it needs to be done. Sigh.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Extremely interesting book to read

Quite a few years ago, my mom gave me a book to read about motherhood. Of course, I never read it.

That is until now.

I decided to start reading it yesterday, and even though I'm only 25 pages into the book (about 1/6 of the way through), I've enjoyed what I've read. To top it off, I've encountered a few possible reasons why I'm feeling as depressed as I've been.

The book is called Motherhood-What it does to your mind, by Jane Price. As I continue reading I am trying to jot down notes and key phrases that stick out in my head as reasons for my problems. It is extremely mind boggling, and I've just scratched the surface, but I may be able to understand myself a bit more by reading this book.

I guess I can now thank my mom for giving me the book.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Update to my Baby Name List!

I've added a few more names to my list:


Now I'm starting to put a few together to see what works!!

Logan Nicholas
Logan Isaiah
Gabriel Alexander
Noah Alexander

Just starting to put ideas down. Who knows what we will really do. We still have nearly 4 months to decide!!

I need to shift my focus from my stress, so that's why I'm looking at names again.

Monday, May 12, 2008

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY (a day late)

A fellow mother sent this to me (and a group of other moms) yesterday for mothers day- I thought I'd share with everyone!


This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms,

wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying,

'It's okay honey, Mommy's here.'

Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying babies who can't be comforted.

This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse.

For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes .

And all the mothers who DON'T.

This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see. And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.

This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors.

And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars. And that when their kids asked, 'Did you see me, Mom?' they cou ld say, 'Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world,' and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how child abuse happens.

This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the (grand)mothers who wanted to, but just couldn't find the words.

This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can eat.

For all the mothers who read 'Goodnight, Moon' twice a night for a year. And then read it again, 'Just one more time.'

This is for all the mothers who taught heir children to tie their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.

This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.

This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a little voice calls 'Mom?' in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home -- or even away at college -- or have their own families.

This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach aches, assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only o get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up. Right away.

This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't find the words to reach them.

For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when their 14 year olds dye their hair green.

For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings, and the mothers of those who did the shooting.

For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely.

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a war.

What makes a good mother anyway?

Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips?

The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and

sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time?

Or is it in her heart?

Is it the ache she feels when she watches her son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time?

The jolt that takes her from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put her hand on the back of a sleeping baby?

The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A.M. when she just wants to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again in her home?

Or the need to flee from wherever she is and hug her child when she hears news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?

The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts are for young mothers stumbling through diaper

changes and sleep deprivation...

And for mature mothers learning to let go.

For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers.

Single mothers and married mothers.

Mothers with money, mothers without.

This is for you all. For all of us...

Hang in there. In the end we can

only do the best we can. Tell them

every day that we love them. And pray

and never stop being a mother...

Please pass along to all the mothers in your life.

'Home is what catches you when you fall - and we all fall.'

Please pass this to a wonderful mother you know.

(I just did!)

Saturday, May 10, 2008

I need mental help.

I'm depressed.

I'm upset.

I'm angry.

I'm sad.

I'm confused.

I'm an uncomfortable mix of emotions right now.

It's not just due to being pregnant- everyone knows that pregnancy causes you to be more emotional than normal, but this is ridiculous.

Today I wanted to scream, throw things, hit the wall, go for a long walk off a short pier, call everyone as many crappy names as I could think of, eat nothing but chocolate, turn myself into a fish and just sit in the tub for the rest of my life...

I have no support. I have no friends. Well, that last one is not entirely true. I do have very few friends that I can trust and talk with about anything, but none of them live remotely close to me. I don't have any local friends is what I should have said. DH doesn't want to sit and listen to me. The girls I hang out with are not the trustworthy type and if I did tell them how I was feeling then nasty rumors would start circulating about me and my family.

What am I to do??

The one person I really want to talk with is in a temporary communication blackout because she is moving. I don't even know when she will be reconnected to the communication world.


All I can do right now is dig myself into the internet and chat on the forums, write a blog post, and listen to music.

I don't want to be so alone right now. It's the worst sort of loneliness: to have so many people around you, living with you, and still be lonely. This would probably be called severe post-partum depression, but I still have 4 more months until I actually have my baby- so what would you name this type of depression at this point??

I'm so scared and worried about what will happen with DH in June. That's one problem. I'm also annoyed that no one in my household has lifted a finger since February to help with cleaning the living room or kitchen. And I've been asking for help since February to clean out and get rid of all the clothes we don't need in our bedroom-you can't even walk in there without stepping on clothing and the kids toys and garbage. Of course, DH says it's all my fault. How in the hell can it be my fault when I cleaned and then two day's later it's a mess again with all of DH and the kids clothes thrown all over the floor? And I have been asking them for YEARS to help me keep things neat, but do they listen?? NOOOOOO!

Ok, yes I'm lazy. But I do get things done. At this point however, I can't do it by myself, and that's what they don't seem to get. DH claims I never ask for help- yet he won't help me after I've been asking for help for the last 6 months. And of course the kids are worse. DH says I am expecting too much from them. Give me a break. They are 8 and 10. Certainly old enough to wash thier own dishes, do a load of laundry, and pick up thier own mess. DH is worse than them. All he does is spend his time watching TV, sleeping, and drinking with his friends- when he is not working that is. So he shouldn't be complaining that I spend too much time on the computer. If he would be more proactive in helping me and showing the kids that as well, then I wouldn't be spending so much time online. I need some way to escape from the real world, just like he does. He should be glad I'm not like some of his friend's wives, who go out to bars and drink the night away.

Enough. I'm getting even more pissed just writing all of this down.

I need more help than I'm getting, and I don't see any hope for the future the way things are going. :(

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Naming the baby...

I'm looking for a name for the baby. We're expecting a boy.

Here's what is on our list so far for first names:


I'll keep adding to the list as we get closer to the end of August.

But our criteria is a bit strange: DH wants a biblical name, but I want something that is culture neutral, meaning something that works well in english as well as spanish or has a similar name in english and in spanish. Example- Daniel is Daniel, but pronounced different. Marie can be Maria. I don't know if there are other names in that category, but that is what I prefer. I think those first two names on the list are in that cagtegory.

Help me come up with more boy names!!!

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Update time!!!

Well, first I'll address my last blog post. I've really not had a chance to do anymore searching. But I will be starting up really soon due to a few changes in my life since I last posted. So, in answer to the comment from that post- no I have not found anything. Here's why:

Since my last post many things have happened in my life. December was a fairly busy month with the kids. At the end of the month we had our phone service disconnected. Then two weeks later in January I had my internet and cable service disconnected. On top of all that, our cell phones were disconnected. 2008 really did not start on a happy note. :o(

Then towards the end of January I went to the doctor to take a pregnancy test- which came out positive!!! By that time I had already started to feel major nausea. February was awful, with nausea so severe that I lost 15lbs. Thankfully I recovered both my weight along with my appetite. My due date is September 15. Just last Monday I had my sonogram and we found out that we're expecting another boy!

By early February I finally got a new cell phone. I decided to go with MetroPCS, which I had about 5 years ago. I'm glad I decided to get that phone. It's much easier to deal with the payments, DH is not complaining that I'm using too many minutes anymore, and I actually get better reception than I ever did when I had Verizon.

At the beginning of this month of April we finally got phone, internet and tv back, but we switched to AT&T services. The internet is just as fast as Comcast ever was, and I love having the Dish Network!!! More channels to see!!! AND we're paying less than we did when we had Comcast. For all three services our total monthly bill comes to $130 (including tax), where the bill with Comcast would have been closer to $200 (with the same type of services). And then as a bonus, we are getting a discount on Dish for signing up for a 2 year contract. Well, the discount is during specific months, but still- it's worth it!!

Everyone in our house is happy now. But we still have a few dark clouds hanging over our heads. The immigration thing is the worst right now. The final court date is June 4. Our entire future is dependent on the outcome of that day. I'm just scared that they will deport DH that day, and I will be stuck in San Diego with the kids the week before they get out of school. My other worry is that he won't be around come September when I will need him the most. *Sigh* I really don't need to be in this state of worry and depression right now.