It may take a while to find someone like this. But I have all the time in the world. ;o)
Kira sandoval :o)
I think way too much on things. I overthink, overanalyze, overworry... and most of the time I dissapoint myself.
I was the mastermind behind this party, and it didn't go as well as I was hoping, but everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. As much as I planned and worked on things, there was much left to be desired. I had this tension in my neck and head before hand, worrying about it, and now 4 hours after everyone leaves I still have the tension, only its from feeling dissapointed in how things went.
On top of all that, I feel lonely. Despite having been surrounded by people, I feel lonely. I'm struggling so much to keep calm and focus on saving money to get my kids back, but everything I do makes me sadder each time because I think- oh my kids would have loved to do this... I don't know how much longer I can handle being alone like this. :'( There really is no one I can talk to, no one's shoulder I can cry on, no one to comfort me and tell me that it will be alright. How much more lonely can one get? Even the biting 37 degree weather, rain, and all that doesn't faze me at this point. I know I'm asking for a lot. I hate these feelings.
Yes, I know... I should be putting these all in one post, but that would be TOO easy, lol... besides, mobile does not allow me to post that way, or at least the way I'm doing it.
But what do you think about this one? What IS worse? :/
Kira sandoval :o)
Dios mio, pero ando muy mal de la mente y del corazon horita. :'(
Tonight everything just seemed to fall down around me. I don't know how much more crap I can handle with my current roommate for another 4 weeks, I'm missing my kids terribly, I HATE being alone. I've been alone for way too long. I posted this quote on my wall on facebook a few days ago, but it really got to me- something about never make someone feel alone, especially when you are present... I have felt alone for at least 5 years... I'm starting to want to just scream and yell at the man I still have to legally call my husband and tell him to go fuck himself and he will never see his kids again, but I could never be that cruel to him. I just want the freedom to move on and have my kids with me at the same time.
Yup, I'm having an emotional breakdown right now. :'(
Prayers are always welcome. <3
The fucking rommate situation has me over the edge. She thinks she's a know-it-all, is extremely opinionated, heaven forbid you have an opinion different than she does or she will tell you that YOU are wrong and stupid... complains about everything I do or don't do... texts me at all fucking hours of the day to tell me some random shit that she just HAS to tell me and won't shut up when I obviously am ignoring her- she will say "did you hear me" over and over until I respond. ARGH! She allows he boyfriend to stay over a few nights a week, which is her perrogative, but he's just as bad as she is, and they FIGHT constantly. >.< I was supposed to move in with another friend, but she bailed on me at the last minute basically, to allow her "boyfriend" to semi-move in... so I am stuck on this fucking couch for another 4 weeks.
Another friend, actually two friends, offered to rent me a room at the same rate I am paying now. One friend lives a good distance from the bus stop, the other lives 2 blocks from the bus stop. The one friend who is further away, however, is someone I like, a lot, and I don't think me moving in with him, although as friends, would help my delicate emotional state right now. The other friend knows that, and we sort of agreed that I could move in with her, however not until January due to family that will be visiting her this month. This is the reason I am stuck with psycho roomie for another 4 weeks.
Ok, I know I am really going out on a limb by calling her psycho roomie... I'm not so stable myself... but I have not once wigged out on her and her complaints or gotten into an argument with her, and I don't want to ever.
Then chatting this afternoon with my daughter on fb started the mood swing towards manic depressive and extreme sadness. How can I be sure that they are eating properly or have proper clothing when the money I send JUST FOR THAT is not being spent on that? :(
I keep reminding myself that if I keep working and start saving more, spending less on coffee and crap that I don't really need I can have my kids with me sooner. That was the original goal for me coming back to the US a year ago, or at least part of the original goal. I don't know what else to do at this point. :'(
Kira sandoval :o)
I hope to find this man. It would be incredibly nice, no- not nice... incredibly wonderful and amazing to have someone by my side that knows everything about me and still loves me no matter what.
I thought I had that with the man I married... only come to realize, we didn't know each other at all when we got married. After 15 years we still hardly know each other. :o( I know enough about that man to say we were not meant to be together.
Tonight, I had a few conversations about this topic with different people- really knowing someone and what they like and dislike... and it also hit me- I really do not have any friends who know me better than I know myself. That sort of makes me feel inadequate to a degree. I have a few friends that I have known forever, but do they really know things, like what my favorite color is, what my favorite band is, who I wanted to be like when I grew up, what my favorite food is???? Nope. Not really. They may know some things, but not everything.
At this point in my life, I am overanalyzing everything. Over thinking about what I did right, and what I did wrong...trying to make sure I don't repeat those mistakes in the future. Deciding to end my marriage has been the toughest decision of my life so far... but I know I have more tough things to handle in the future. I just wish I had more friends that knew me well enough to help me get through this time. I'm happy with my new friends here in Oregon. I truly believe that quite a few of them will be my closest friends ever.
Which leads me back to finding the best friend that knows more about myself than I do- that sort of best friend is supposed to be your soul mate, your significant other... and I'm short that now. I never thought about looking for a "replacement," nor have I even given dating a smidgen of a thought... however a friendship has been developing that I never dreamed about and suddenly I can't stop thinking about it. Yea, I know, I've said it many times before. But I'm serious. I can't stop thinking about it. Even when I pray for guidance and stress relief for my issue of bringing my kids back, my thoughts always revert back to him. And there is no guarantee he EVER feels the same way. I do know that he wants to be friends with me. That's amazing. If it never progresses, then I will still be happy. Although, there has been a few things he has done that make me wonder... or am I just to far gone to even see straight around him anymore? I am fully aware that I could totally be reading the signals wrong...
Somebody please knock me unconcious before I do something stupid? LOL