Saturday, July 19, 2014

Unsure of myself again.

I've had this "crush" on a guy for nearly two years now. We became good friends after being part of a now defunct community group. A mutual friend of ours at one time tried to get him to stop hanging out with me by telling him I was "obsessed" with him and he shouldn't be my friend.  After quite a few months I found out what she did only because she screwed up. Other people confronted me about what she was doing and encouaged me to confront her. Instead I talked to him. All I had to say to him was "can we meet up soon to talk about some things I've heard?" And that same night we went walking and ended up chatting for 4 hours!  At the end he said "I honestly believe that you and I can be great friends."  I never said a thing about how I felt about him. We talked about what was said by her and other things she did to exclude me. He did say he was sorry to believe most of what she said...

After that we hung out more often;  meeting up for coffee a few times (purely accidental I might add, lol), went to the movies a few times,  and had a couple other nights where we had gone to the community group meeting and left chatting and stayig outside chatting until 4 or 5 am! 

Then I went to get my kids back. We still chatted but not like before. I thought I had just read too much into our friendship and that he didn't have similar feelings for me.  I find out he had a gf right after I came back with my kids. That sort of upset me but there was nothing I could do at that point because I had just convinced myself he didn't feel the same way.

However,  just recently I found out he broke up with his gf after dating her for 10 months. And suddenly I start running into him more and we sort of start talking again. One day when I was working at Subway he comes in for lunch and when he saw me looking at him he gave me one of his rare smiles that only his close friends usually see.  I got the goosebumps!  He came again Thursday afternoon when I was working and I actually had the nerve to openly flirt with him just by joking around with his order and he just smiled that awesome smile again and I *think* he flirted right back. 

It's been years for me. I've been separated from my ex for 3 years now but physically and emotionally it's been way longer.  I have no idea how to tell if he really does like me and I get way too nervous around him,  lol.

He came in again today. He smiled for me but didn't smile for my coworker.  Last night I dreamt that I worked up the nerve to call him,  invite him out,  and then finally tell him how I felt.  Oh boy.  I honestly don't know what I should do.  :/  Numerous mutual friends have told me that they thought we had been dating or they thought we should date.

I'm so unsure of everything. This is all new to me. I mean,  after being with one person literally right out of high school and for 14 subsequent years really didn't prepare me for adulthood quite the right way.  I have no idea how to behave,  no idea how to approach someone I like.  I feel like I'm in high school all over again with this.  *sigh*