Monday, December 26, 2016
Here is what I *tried* to post:
December 21, 2016
4 days until Christmas.
4 freaking days.
I'm not ready at all.
Whoever is ready for a holiday like this? Seriously. There's a million things that I keep remembering that I haven't done yet, presents that still need to be wrapped, people I *should* shop for but can't...
The worst part? I'm dead broke.
It would be something if I could actually NOT spend money and save it all year, but there's ALWAYS something that comes up unexpectedly and *boom* there goes the little I managed to save.
That's why I'm not ready.
But no matter what, it's coming, so I'd better enjoy the time with my kids.
My oldest is home from college for a few days to spend Christmas with us... and his friends who are home too. ;) He has to go back on the 26th.
I'll have to share some pictures of my semi-decorated house, which btw, is only semi because I'm NOT READY, lol. Usually the tree is up Thanksgiving, and the decorations are up around the same time. This year I didn't get anything up until last week, and I STILL have decorations to put up.
Have a Merry Christmas!
Friday, November 25, 2016
I'm a hopeless romantic. I watch tv shows or movies and cry over relationships starting, or ending and everything in between.
In fact right now, my mind is reeling over the last few days of binge watching my favorite slow of all time, GLEE... I end up having vivid dreams after watching that parallel the show.
I just wish my love life hadn't gone to hell like it did.
I don't know what I could have done differently though. I did everything I could to save my marriage.
The last five years of the relationship were pure hell. I've blogged about it too much. Hell, I've blogged about my loneliness too much. But I have to get it off my chest somehow or I'll burst.
So now, at 3:30am I'm just barely going to bed, after, you guessed it, watching my favorite show... and I'm listening to country music, which only happens when I'm feeling especially lonely and sad.
I don't know what I'm doing. 5 years of being alone. 3 of those as a single mom. I purposely don't make time for myself, unless it's at ungodly hours of the night/morning like right now. So how in the hell am I supposed to go meet guys?
I'm gonna be alone forever. :'(
Saturday, July 09, 2016
Sunday, August 02, 2015
How did I react? I bawled. No, bawl is not the right word. There are no words to describe how I felt. How I feel right now.
My mom had Huntingtons disease. We already knew there was a possibility of an early passing. Some people only live a few years after diagnosis, while some can live a few more decades. My mom about 2 decades past her diagnosis. She was one of the ones who started to deteriorate fast. Her correa (the involuntary muscle movements that is typical of Huntingtons and Parkinsons) got worse as the years went on. Her memory also started to fade, but not as quickly.
I'm suffering from the child's guilt. I never called her back two weeks ago, the last time she called. I also deleted all of her voicemail messages. I'll never hear her voice again.
I spoke briefly with her three weeks ago, and said I had to call her back because I had to drive somewhere. I didn't.
My only hope is that she passed peacefully in her sleep. That would be my only comfort.
Thursday, April 16, 2015
I mean, I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but SERIOUSLY??
One acts like a spoiled brat, demanding to be waited on hand and foot... and he's the oldest at 17. One is an angry 15yo girl... that should tell you enough right there. And the other? A oftentimes TOO sweet 6.5yo who is the baby and acts like it.
I work too much. However, as a single mom I have to. Between the two jobs I barely make enough to pay the rent, gas, garbage, water & sewer, electricity, phones, and car insurance. I work 7 days a week unless I ask for a day off at my weekend job.
So where do I fit into all of this? I have no time for me? I'm sacrificing sleep right now to type this up. :(
I don't know where my mind is anymore. I can't handle all of this.
My head hurts. My heart hurts.
I know. I just need to leave it to God.
It's just so hard...
Sunday, October 26, 2014
I'm serious. Well not better, but close enough.
Only one thing right now would make me feel better. However it's just wishful thinking.
Tomorrow's my birthday so I decided to start my celebration early. Alone. Well, technically I'm not alone. My kids are here. But that's not what I meant. *sigh* Got my favorite wine glass filed with my favorite brand of Pinot Gris... Only missing one thing.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Previously I said I feel old.
Even more so now.
I've been so damn stressed and EVERYTHING is driving me crazy.
I never have time to clean the house. I never have time for myself. I'm doing so much community involved work besides my two jobs.
Gabe got sick this week, and has now been home for three days, and will be home for at least one more. Did I take advantage of him being home for me to get the house clean?
NOT A FUCKING THING DID I DO! Well, besides play games, watch movies, and sit on the computer or on my phone all day. Ok, I did do some laundry and actually got to cook something for the whole family. So I did do SOMETHING. But it never is enough.
I am the worst procrastinator. I am the worst bullshitter. I am the laziest person ever.
I actually did get sick for two of the three days. Today I'm finally feeling better, enough...
This month always sucks and it will always suck. Let's just finish the rest of the year right now and call it a day.
That'll be all!