Sunday, December 02, 2012

Someday...

I hope to find this man. It would be incredibly nice,  no- not nice... incredibly wonderful and amazing to have someone by my side that knows everything about me and still loves me no matter what.

I thought I had that with the man I married... only come to realize, we didn't know each other at all when we got married. After 15 years we still hardly know each other. :o( I know enough about that man to say we were not meant to be together.

Tonight, I had a few conversations about this topic with different people- really knowing someone and what they like and dislike... and it also hit me- I really do not have any friends who know me better than I know myself. That sort of makes me feel inadequate to a degree. I have a few friends that I have known forever, but do they really know things, like what my favorite color is, what my favorite band is, who I wanted to be like when I grew up, what my favorite food is????   Nope. Not really. They may know some things, but not everything.

At this point in my life, I am overanalyzing everything. Over thinking about what I did right, and what I did wrong...trying to make sure I don't repeat those mistakes in the future. Deciding to end my marriage has been the toughest decision of my life so far... but I know I have more tough things to handle in the future. I just wish I had more friends that knew me well enough to help me get through this time. I'm happy with my new friends here in Oregon. I truly believe that quite a few of them will be my closest friends ever.

Which leads me back to finding the best friend that knows more about myself than I do- that sort of best friend is supposed to be your soul mate, your significant other... and I'm short that now. I never thought about looking for a "replacement," nor have I even given dating a smidgen of a thought... however a friendship has been developing that I never dreamed about and suddenly I can't stop thinking about it. Yea, I know, I've said it many times before. But I'm serious. I can't stop thinking about it. Even when I pray for guidance and stress relief for my issue of bringing my kids back, my thoughts always revert back to him. And there is no guarantee he EVER feels the same way. I do know that he wants to be friends with me. That's amazing. If it never progresses, then I will still be happy. Although, there has been a few things he has done that make me wonder... or am I just to far gone to even see straight around him anymore? I am fully aware that I could totally be reading the signals wrong...

Somebody please knock me unconcious before I do something stupid? LOL

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