Venting...

I seemed to have forgotten that I had this blog for venting, until the last few days, LOL!

I have been so frustrated over so many things lately, it has helped to go back to the writing things down "therapy."

I don't care if no one ever reads this or if everyone reads this. It just helps me get things off my chest. Although, I realized the other night that I may have said some things previously that I may or not have wanted others to know about, but OOPS... oh well. I got it off my chest and can't have any regrets now. If it was read by the people I didn't want to know, then too late. I accept the consequences of my actions. After I am an adult, right???


Well, anyway, I'm on a borrowed laptop. I can't wait until I can either get my own fixed or purchase a new one. The way things are going I have no idea how long it will take me. My goal is to have enough for at least a new mini notebook by December. We shall see.

Lots of decisions are still needed to be made in my personal life. *sigh*  Talks with some close friends over the last few days have prompted this sudden blogging frenzy by me. I have too much to get off my chest. I'm about to burst. I want too much, I'm too confused... yada yada yada. Yeah, I know. Stop over thinking Kira!!! >.<

Maybe I need to redirect my energies to something else? So then I need some local friends to help me redirect myself, AKA DISTRACT ME!! HAHAHAHA. I guess I do have two new good friends that have started helping distract me from this crap. The distraction is not necessarily to postpone the decision making, rather to help me make an informed and un-emotional decision... if that  makes sense. It doesn't matter if it makes sense to whoever reads this, LMAO!  I feel like a teenager again when we talk about doing things. Like going for walks for three hours in the late evening and coming home in the middle of the night... *insert sheepish grin here*  yeah, I did that recently.  Upcoming plans to do things for Halloween are exciting me. Its' been way too long that I have been able to do anything for myself, for my own happiness. I feel slightly guilty though, since my kids are not with me. I don't think I will ever get used to them being away from me, even temporarily.  My main happiness has always been involved with them, and will always be a part of my main happiness... however, I need time for myself. I have not had time for myself in 15 years.

So, the main question I know that is burning on everyone's mind is: is my marriage over with?  *sigh* I do not know how to answer that without sounding cold and calculating or a heartless bitch.  There will always be something there that I cannot explain, however the love that brought me to him is no longer there. I guess I could say that I still care deeply for him, but I don't love him the same way anymore. Just saying that gives me the chills. I probably have said it before, but I never imagined myself to ever be in this position and I never planned on getting here. Circumstances (fate?) have me where I am now.

Ok, I think I'm rambling. I tend to do that. My mind jumps all over the page and that's how my writing style is as well. :/