Thanksgiving is over... I have said many thanks in the past 22 days. I'm thankful for being alive, for the love of God, for being given the ability to have children... and that is the biggest reason for me feeling the depression getting to me again...
I miss my children so much. I have been away from them for a year and one month now. I don't have the means to communicate with them the way I want to. I have to deal with my soon-to-be ex in-laws and son-to-be ex-husband. I'm tired of the bullshit with them. I have wired over $2000 in the last year to them for stuff my children need and to pay off my personal debts, and not everything is being taken care of as promised.
My soon-to-be-ex husband is not ever wanting to talk to me. Everytime I call, he comes up with excuses not to talk with me. :'( not that I really want to talk with him, but its neccessary for our children. I have not been able to discuss what is happening with them, how he is handling school and meals for them, and if he is able to provide enough. All I hear is from the kids, and he's hardly home, just as he was always in the states- never home and if I had to be at a meeting and he had to be with them, he would always pawn them off on his brother, sister, or sil so he could go hang out with his friends and drink. >.< Obviously nothing has changed. I'm even not convinced that he has not stayed clean from meth. I probably, actually scratch that... I will NEVER be able to trust him again. I gave him two years as a last chance, to clean up and prove he cared for me and wanted to fix our relationship... that never happened. :'(
Now I'm up here, alone with way too much time to think. I have encountered friendships that I never had in California, that helped me to see how blind I had been to how I was treated. One friendship in particular showed me that there is life after love. I'm not saying that this friend will ever turn out to be more than a friend, but this person opened my eyes to possibility. I wasn't even looking for that possibility at all. I haven't even felt comfortable enough with this particular friend to talk about more than how much I miss my kids. I'm grateful for friendships like this, friendships that have allowed me to talk and reveal so much without being judgemental. Frindships that have stuck with me for a year now, despite finding out what they know so far.
Even if one friendship only remains as a friendship, I will be eternally grateful. Friendship is the most important thing in life right now for me.
All I want is to be happy again. I want my kids with me. I want someone beside me that loves me for who I am, despite my past, and loves my kids as his own...someone who will just be there and hug me silently when I am tired/sad/upset, cheer me on when I accomplish great things, take care of me when I'm sick, not worry and complain when I'm too tired or when I get distracted from things I'm trying to do... I want to be with someone who I can talk to for hours about everything and nothing at the same time, laugh with, someone who has similar likes as me, but different as well to teach me new things... I'm just so tired of bullshit. I want to have my divorce to go quietly and quickly. I want way too much, I know... :'(
Sorry for being depressive now... I really hate feeling like this...
Kira Sandoval :o)
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