Death

Last night I received the shock of my life. My mother is dead

How did I react?  I bawled. No, bawl is not the right word. There are no words to describe how I felt. How I feel right now.

My mom had Huntingtons disease. We already knew there was a  possibility of an early passing. Some people only live a few years after diagnosis, while some can live a few more decades. My mom about 2 decades past her diagnosis. She was one of the ones who started to deteriorate fast. Her correa (the involuntary muscle movements that is typical of Huntingtons and Parkinsons) got worse as the years went on. Her memory also started to fade, but not as quickly.

I'm suffering from the child's guilt. I never called her back two weeks ago, the last time she called. I also deleted all of her voicemail messages. I'll never hear her voice again.

I spoke briefly with her three weeks ago, and said I had to call her back because I had to drive somewhere. I didn't.

My only hope is that she passed peacefully in her sleep. That would be my only comfort.

Teenagers. UGH!

I'm at my wits end with my teenagers.

I mean, I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but SERIOUSLY??

One acts like a spoiled brat, demanding to be waited on hand and foot... and he's the oldest at 17. One is an angry 15yo girl... that should tell you enough right there. And the other? A oftentimes TOO sweet 6.5yo who is the baby and acts like it.

I work too much. However, as a single mom I have to. Between the two jobs I barely make enough to pay the rent, gas, garbage, water & sewer, electricity, phones, and car insurance. I work 7 days a week unless I ask for a day off at my weekend job.

So where do I fit into all of this? I have no time for me? I'm sacrificing sleep right now to type this up. :(

I don't know where my mind is anymore. I can't handle all of this.

My head hurts. My heart hurts.

I know. I just need to leave it to God.

It's just so hard...