Teenagers. UGH!

I'm at my wits end with my teenagers.

I mean, I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but SERIOUSLY??

One acts like a spoiled brat, demanding to be waited on hand and foot... and he's the oldest at 17. One is an angry 15yo girl... that should tell you enough right there. And the other? A oftentimes TOO sweet 6.5yo who is the baby and acts like it.

I work too much. However, as a single mom I have to. Between the two jobs I barely make enough to pay the rent, gas, garbage, water & sewer, electricity, phones, and car insurance. I work 7 days a week unless I ask for a day off at my weekend job.

So where do I fit into all of this? I have no time for me? I'm sacrificing sleep right now to type this up. :(

I don't know where my mind is anymore. I can't handle all of this.

My head hurts. My heart hurts.

I know. I just need to leave it to God.

It's just so hard...

Everything is better with wine

I'm serious. Well not better,  but close enough.

Only one thing right now would make me feel better. However it's just wishful thinking.

Tomorrow's my birthday so I decided to start my celebration early. Alone. Well,  technically I'm not alone. My kids are here. But that's not what I meant. *sigh*  Got my favorite wine glass filed with my favorite brand of Pinot Gris... Only missing one thing. 

The dreaded month of October.

Let's see. It's October. Danny's birthday was yesterday and he turned 17! My sister's birthday is Saturday and she'll be 30! My birthday is in 12 days and I'll be 36.

Previously I said I feel old.

Even more so now.

I've been so damn stressed and EVERYTHING is driving me crazy.

I never have time to clean the house. I never have time for myself. I'm doing so much community involved work besides my two jobs.

Gabe got sick this week, and has now been home for three days, and will be home for at least one more. Did I take advantage of him being home for me to get the house clean?

NOT A FUCKING THING DID I DO!  Well, besides  play games, watch movies, and sit on the computer or on my phone all day.  Ok, I did do some laundry and actually got to cook something for the whole family. So I did do SOMETHING. But it never is enough.

I am the worst procrastinator. I am the worst bullshitter. I am the laziest person ever.

I actually did get sick for two of the three days. Today I'm finally feeling better, enough...

This month always sucks and it will always suck. Let's just finish the rest of the year right now and call it a day.
That'll be all!

Unsure of myself again.

I've had this "crush" on a guy for nearly two years now. We became good friends after being part of a now defunct community group. A mutual friend of ours at one time tried to get him to stop hanging out with me by telling him I was "obsessed" with him and he shouldn't be my friend.  After quite a few months I found out what she did only because she screwed up. Other people confronted me about what she was doing and encouaged me to confront her. Instead I talked to him. All I had to say to him was "can we meet up soon to talk about some things I've heard?" And that same night we went walking and ended up chatting for 4 hours!  At the end he said "I honestly believe that you and I can be great friends."  I never said a thing about how I felt about him. We talked about what was said by her and other things she did to exclude me. He did say he was sorry to believe most of what she said...

After that we hung out more often;  meeting up for coffee a few times (purely accidental I might add, lol), went to the movies a few times,  and had a couple other nights where we had gone to the community group meeting and left chatting and stayig outside chatting until 4 or 5 am! 

Then I went to get my kids back. We still chatted but not like before. I thought I had just read too much into our friendship and that he didn't have similar feelings for me.  I find out he had a gf right after I came back with my kids. That sort of upset me but there was nothing I could do at that point because I had just convinced myself he didn't feel the same way.

However,  just recently I found out he broke up with his gf after dating her for 10 months. And suddenly I start running into him more and we sort of start talking again. One day when I was working at Subway he comes in for lunch and when he saw me looking at him he gave me one of his rare smiles that only his close friends usually see.  I got the goosebumps!  He came again Thursday afternoon when I was working and I actually had the nerve to openly flirt with him just by joking around with his order and he just smiled that awesome smile again and I *think* he flirted right back. 

It's been years for me. I've been separated from my ex for 3 years now but physically and emotionally it's been way longer.  I have no idea how to tell if he really does like me and I get way too nervous around him,  lol.

He came in again today. He smiled for me but didn't smile for my coworker.  Last night I dreamt that I worked up the nerve to call him,  invite him out,  and then finally tell him how I felt.  Oh boy.  I honestly don't know what I should do.  :/  Numerous mutual friends have told me that they thought we had been dating or they thought we should date.

I'm so unsure of everything. This is all new to me. I mean,  after being with one person literally right out of high school and for 14 subsequent years really didn't prepare me for adulthood quite the right way.  I have no idea how to behave,  no idea how to approach someone I like.  I feel like I'm in high school all over again with this.  *sigh*

Summer

Friday marks the last day of school for Danny.  He'll then be a junior in high school.

Tomorrow marks the last day of school for Marie.  She will then be a freshman!  Yikes!

Gabe will be a kindergartner in September.

I feel old!

Mother's Day Blues

I don't know why,  but I'm feeling very blue today. 

I should be happy.  Its Mother's Day after all.

It doesn't help that I, at 1 am,  put on season 5 of Glee. You know,  the one that includes the episode that's a tribute to Cory Monteith,  aka "Finn Hudson."  Yea. I'm bawling now.

What's wrong with me?

May Day

I'm gong to be teary eyed ALL day tomorrow.  Danny's going to be honored as sophomore prince for May Day,  and then he's going to prom! I don't want my baby to grow up anymore!  :'(