Update to my Baby Name List!

I've added a few more names to my list:

Gabriel
Isaiah
Noah
Logan
Nicholas
Alexander

Now I'm starting to put a few together to see what works!!

Logan Nicholas
Logan Isaiah
Gabriel Alexander
Noah Alexander

Just starting to put ideas down. Who knows what we will really do. We still have nearly 4 months to decide!!

I need to shift my focus from my stress, so that's why I'm looking at names again.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY (a day late)

A fellow mother sent this to me (and a group of other moms) yesterday for mothers day- I thought I'd share with everyone!

MOTHERS and MOMS

This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms,

wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying,

'It's okay honey, Mommy's here.'

Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying babies who can't be comforted.

This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse.

For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes .

And all the mothers who DON'T.

This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see. And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.

This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors.

And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars. And that when their kids asked, 'Did you see me, Mom?' they cou ld say, 'Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world,' and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how child abuse happens.

This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the (grand)mothers who wanted to, but just couldn't find the words.

This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can eat.

For all the mothers who read 'Goodnight, Moon' twice a night for a year. And then read it again, 'Just one more time.'

This is for all the mothers who taught heir children to tie their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.

This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.

This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a little voice calls 'Mom?' in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home -- or even away at college -- or have their own families.

This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach aches, assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only o get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up. Right away.

This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't find the words to reach them.

For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when their 14 year olds dye their hair green.

For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings, and the mothers of those who did the shooting.

For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely.

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a war.

What makes a good mother anyway?

Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips?

The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and

sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time?

Or is it in her heart?

Is it the ache she feels when she watches her son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time?

The jolt that takes her from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put her hand on the back of a sleeping baby?

The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A.M. when she just wants to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again in her home?

Or the need to flee from wherever she is and hug her child when she hears news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?

The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts are for young mothers stumbling through diaper

changes and sleep deprivation...

And for mature mothers learning to let go.

For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers.

Single mothers and married mothers.

Mothers with money, mothers without.

This is for you all. For all of us...

Hang in there. In the end we can

only do the best we can. Tell them

every day that we love them. And pray

and never stop being a mother...

Please pass along to all the mothers in your life.

'Home is what catches you when you fall - and we all fall.'

Please pass this to a wonderful mother you know.

(I just did!)

I need mental help.

I'm depressed.

I'm upset.

I'm angry.

I'm sad.

I'm confused.

I'm an uncomfortable mix of emotions right now.

It's not just due to being pregnant- everyone knows that pregnancy causes you to be more emotional than normal, but this is ridiculous.

Today I wanted to scream, throw things, hit the wall, go for a long walk off a short pier, call everyone as many crappy names as I could think of, eat nothing but chocolate, turn myself into a fish and just sit in the tub for the rest of my life...

I have no support. I have no friends. Well, that last one is not entirely true. I do have very few friends that I can trust and talk with about anything, but none of them live remotely close to me. I don't have any local friends is what I should have said. DH doesn't want to sit and listen to me. The girls I hang out with are not the trustworthy type and if I did tell them how I was feeling then nasty rumors would start circulating about me and my family.

What am I to do??

The one person I really want to talk with is in a temporary communication blackout because she is moving. I don't even know when she will be reconnected to the communication world.

Sigh.

All I can do right now is dig myself into the internet and chat on the forums, write a blog post, and listen to music.

I don't want to be so alone right now. It's the worst sort of loneliness: to have so many people around you, living with you, and still be lonely. This would probably be called severe post-partum depression, but I still have 4 more months until I actually have my baby- so what would you name this type of depression at this point??

I'm so scared and worried about what will happen with DH in June. That's one problem. I'm also annoyed that no one in my household has lifted a finger since February to help with cleaning the living room or kitchen. And I've been asking for help since February to clean out and get rid of all the clothes we don't need in our bedroom-you can't even walk in there without stepping on clothing and the kids toys and garbage. Of course, DH says it's all my fault. How in the hell can it be my fault when I cleaned and then two day's later it's a mess again with all of DH and the kids clothes thrown all over the floor? And I have been asking them for YEARS to help me keep things neat, but do they listen?? NOOOOOO!

Ok, yes I'm lazy. But I do get things done. At this point however, I can't do it by myself, and that's what they don't seem to get. DH claims I never ask for help- yet he won't help me after I've been asking for help for the last 6 months. And of course the kids are worse. DH says I am expecting too much from them. Give me a break. They are 8 and 10. Certainly old enough to wash thier own dishes, do a load of laundry, and pick up thier own mess. DH is worse than them. All he does is spend his time watching TV, sleeping, and drinking with his friends- when he is not working that is. So he shouldn't be complaining that I spend too much time on the computer. If he would be more proactive in helping me and showing the kids that as well, then I wouldn't be spending so much time online. I need some way to escape from the real world, just like he does. He should be glad I'm not like some of his friend's wives, who go out to bars and drink the night away.

Enough. I'm getting even more pissed just writing all of this down.

I need more help than I'm getting, and I don't see any hope for the future the way things are going. :(

Naming the baby...

I'm looking for a name for the baby. We're expecting a boy.

Here's what is on our list so far for first names:

Gabriel
Isaiah


I'll keep adding to the list as we get closer to the end of August.

But our criteria is a bit strange: DH wants a biblical name, but I want something that is culture neutral, meaning something that works well in english as well as spanish or has a similar name in english and in spanish. Example- Daniel is Daniel, but pronounced different. Marie can be Maria. I don't know if there are other names in that category, but that is what I prefer. I think those first two names on the list are in that cagtegory.

Help me come up with more boy names!!!

Update time!!!

Well, first I'll address my last blog post. I've really not had a chance to do anymore searching. But I will be starting up really soon due to a few changes in my life since I last posted. So, in answer to the comment from that post- no I have not found anything. Here's why:

Since my last post many things have happened in my life. December was a fairly busy month with the kids. At the end of the month we had our phone service disconnected. Then two weeks later in January I had my internet and cable service disconnected. On top of all that, our cell phones were disconnected. 2008 really did not start on a happy note. :o(

Then towards the end of January I went to the doctor to take a pregnancy test- which came out positive!!! By that time I had already started to feel major nausea. February was awful, with nausea so severe that I lost 15lbs. Thankfully I recovered both my weight along with my appetite. My due date is September 15. Just last Monday I had my sonogram and we found out that we're expecting another boy!

By early February I finally got a new cell phone. I decided to go with MetroPCS, which I had about 5 years ago. I'm glad I decided to get that phone. It's much easier to deal with the payments, DH is not complaining that I'm using too many minutes anymore, and I actually get better reception than I ever did when I had Verizon.

At the beginning of this month of April we finally got phone, internet and tv back, but we switched to AT&T services. The internet is just as fast as Comcast ever was, and I love having the Dish Network!!! More channels to see!!! AND we're paying less than we did when we had Comcast. For all three services our total monthly bill comes to $130 (including tax), where the bill with Comcast would have been closer to $200 (with the same type of services). And then as a bonus, we are getting a discount on Dish for signing up for a 2 year contract. Well, the discount is during specific months, but still- it's worth it!!

Everyone in our house is happy now. But we still have a few dark clouds hanging over our heads. The immigration thing is the worst right now. The final court date is June 4. Our entire future is dependent on the outcome of that day. I'm just scared that they will deport DH that day, and I will be stuck in San Diego with the kids the week before they get out of school. My other worry is that he won't be around come September when I will need him the most. *Sigh* I really don't need to be in this state of worry and depression right now.

I started searching...

A friend told me about a website that helped people search for information and people with relation to adoptions. So I went on there and registered and input all the info I have about my birth mom. We'll see what happens.

I was also reading this weeks' People mag and there is an article in there about reunions that have happened thanks to myspace and a couple of other internet based groups. I may search there as well.

But for the time being, I'm going to take it slow. It's an emotional thing. I don't want to take chances of big dissapointments, but I'm ready for that anyway.

My head is spinning!!

Boy oh boy... life is coming at me fast!! So many things are going on in my life, and I've not had much time at all to come and write it all down! But here's the most significant thing that is happening to me right now:

Out of some strange conversation that I was having with my mom, I come to find out that she has always had my adoption papers close at hand. Ok. No big deal right? I've known ever since I could remember that I was adopted. Here's the stunning part- my mom told me that she knows the name of my birth mother, and that the adoption was an "open adoption."

WHAT????

Ohhhh kaaaaaay.... taking a deep breath. Now, a small disclaimer here- open adoptions now are truly open, meaning the birth mother gets to visit with the child if she wants to, and the adoptive parents are willing to allow that.

Well, back when I was born, in 1978, an open adoption just meant that my adoptive parents would know the name of my birth parents, and that's it. If there was any communication it was only through the lawyers.

So what did I do? I asked my mom if I could have the papers. She said, sure. She knew that someday I would want to look at them. And she was right.

So, now I'm debating whether or not I should actually search for my birth mother. She used to live really close. And I have an older brother out there as well, who is 4 years older than me. AND out there somewhere I have another sister, 2 years older, who was also given up for adoption.

I'm a little stupefied right now. And boy does that full moon look beautiful out there tonight!!! Maybe that's why I feel so overwhelmed!

What should I do????