Sick of all the drama

Being drug into other peoples drama is really wearing me down. :o(

My roommate is bad enough, but the other crap that has been going over the last few days REALLY is pushing me close to breaking point... (ok some of the things going on are not crap but still major issues in my life).

Soon though the majority of it will be behind me and I will be able to relax a whole lot more. Although I won't be able to relax fully until my kids are with me. :o(

I have some good new friends that are doing an exceptional job keeping me occupied and trying to help me get away from most of the drama. As a friend told me the other night, I got to keep my head above water. I think, as long as I continue with a few of these new friendships, I will be able to.   

Kira sandoval :o)

Fitting in and perceptions- double take...

It seems that my perceptions have decieved yet again. My mind is reeling right now :o(  I am treading on thin ice right now with a few friendships because of the perceptions "disagreement" I like to call it.

On the other hand- one newer friendship is forming that I had been worried about. Turns out one friend was feeding false info to the newer friend: telling this new friend I was not worth becoming friends with, for very strange reasons. :/  And the friend also purposely egged me on and led me to believe I was being purposely slighted by other people. I had a nice 3 hour chat with the newer friend, cleared things up and reached an accord. I feel much better now, knowing that the newer friend understands me enough to realize I am not that type of friend. I even discovered that newer friend and I have quite a bit in common. Newer friend even said "I think we could be great friends." Its nice to know that someone really wants to get to know me and actually tells me that to my face! Feels really nice.

Now what can I do about the other friend? I truly don't know. I'm frustrated and upset, but honestly not very shocked by most of what I found out. I had that gut feeling something was amiss... don't you just love those gut feelings?   

So for now I will continue taking life one day at a time. I will continue to start my day on a positive note. Until then...

Kira Sandoval :o)

Lots of stuff have been on my mind...

But this photo really speaks volumes to me right now!

Kira sandoval :o)

Why I blog and the next chapter of my life

I don't blog because I'm getting paid to. I don't blog for anyone other than myself.

In all honesty, I could make my blog private so that its nothing but my own personal diary.

But I don't.

Why? Because maybe, just maybe, someone out there will read what I have to say and perhaps feel better about things going on in their life... perhaps not, but you never know. But the very heart of it is- I will explode if I can't release pent up anger and other emotions, hence blogging. I no longer have a piano to sit at for hours and hours to calm myself down with. I don't have a confidant that I can call upon at any hour to whine at or cry to. I never truly have had that.

And that is my main reason for blogging. Maybe someone will read this and want to reach out to me and try becoming a friend. Who knows.

Right now I feel lonely. I have a new friend who has similar interests as me. She also has a needy side to her that I see in myself, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't realize it in herself. Or maybe she does and chooses not to talk about it like I choose to not talk about it. When I had my computer, I was exactly like her, always online chatting with whomever was online. Now I don't have that and feel twice as lonely. She and I have a mutual friend who I sort of have had a crush on. Here's the catch- I started talking with him, introduced her to him, and now they are nearly best of friends chatting and texting and walking around town... while I'm sitting alone asking around if anyone wants to walk with me or chat with me.

Yes. I'm a bit jealous that they have a good friendship now. I did have a couple good friends that I could chat with like that and joke around with and go places with... but they are now in California and I'm not there anymore. I'm looking for someone I can chat with and go do things with.

Ha, the other night was my birthday. It also was a Halloween costume and karaoke party. I went with my friend and her family... when he showed up I was suprised because we both thought he wasn't going to show up. Suddenly I felt very self concious of my costume :/  he's wears the hat of photographer (among the many hats he wears) so of course he had his camera wth him all night. I have always been camera shy and when I see pictures of me I cringe at what I see. Of course he took a few pix of me that night. I talked to him a bit as well, which has been rare since he became such good friends with my other friend. I seriously have never been tongue tied when I speak to anyone, but I sort of do around him.  I guess the thing that bothers me the most is that I have been looking for a friend that I can hang out with, joke around with, chat about everything and nothing with, and I secretly wanted to connect with him in that manner- nothing more than good quality friendship... and my other friend connected with him the way I wanted to.

Am I that shy then? I don't speak up or speak my mind very often. And when I try, it always comes out jumbled or sounding very stupid and I ramble. LMFAO, maybe I was never properly socialized as an adult. I have spent my entire adult life so far around children. I went from being a teenager to all of a sudden being a mom an a wife and I never experienced life as a single girl. 

Maybe that's my biggest problem. *sigh* nearly 16 years later I'm trying to restart my life and I'm looking at it through the eyes of a teen, not an adult, because I don't know what being an adult feels like? I'm just throwing punches in the wind. I really don't know. Maybe someone else will make sense of all my mumble jumble and help me figure out this whole mess...  for now I will continue to cry myself to sleep and dream of the easy life where I can say whatever I want and people will like me and love me and... yeah, I'll just continue to dream. :'( 

I'm ready for the next chapter of my life to really begin though. Its sort of been playing the overture, but its not been clear. The overture has some really dynamic and real parts to it, but the rest is mumble jumble. I just need to allow the end of the overture and really get into the next chapter. This book will be written as I go. My friend tonight said "we need to find you a guy you can talk with". Well, there is one I had in mind but it seems like he didn't think I was worthy... at least that's how I picture it. I'm probably totally wrong, but this is where I say I don't know how to talk to people. *sigh* ok. Now even I'm not making sense to myself. This will have to continue another posting at a later time. :o(

Kira sandoval :o)

Fitting in and perceptions

It's funny how you percieve things upon first impressions, then discover later on it was completely wrong. Sometimes you just smack yourself on the forehead and say "How could I have been so stupid?"

That's how I feel. Actually I'm feeling a bit immature. I don't quite fit in among the people who surround me. I'm not up to the same level of intellegince as most of them. I feel a bit dumb around them to be honest.

As for those perceptions- I saw something that wasn't really there, but it took me at least two months for that to hit me, and wake me up. I'm certain that my loneliness caused me to see mirages.

Yes. Loneliness. 15 years of being married and I'm lonely. I met someone, and I thought I saw interest, curiosity, possibility... when there was nothing. A mirage. When your thirsty you see a mirage of water. I'm thirsty for companionship, friendship, to find someone who will accept me for who I am, treat me with respect, TALK with me, converse with me, go places with me, love my children the way I do, and more importantly, understand me.

My husband is not that person who I thought and percieved him to be in the beginning. I think we really rushed into things and did not take enough time to get to know each other well enough. You would think after 16 years we'd know each other well enough.

I know him well enough to know how opposite we are. We have opposing views of how our children should be raised. I'm the by-the-book-as-much-as-possible kind of gal; he's pushing limits and breaking laws. I like comfort; he likes thrill. He is all about sex (but then again most men are); I am perfectly comfortable with only cuddling (in fact I actually prefer that). I love the arts; he is a sports fanatic (mostly soccer). I love to read a great book; he loves to drink.  He's even gone as far as doing various drugs just to try (and even was addicted to one but still denies it); I hate even taking over the counter medications. That's just scratching the surface...

So twice in one week I've had to smack myself upside the head and say "how could I have been so stupid?"  For one, I realized my marriage was over, and has been for a few years now; and two, I realized that I allowed my lonliness to get the better of me and see something where there is nothing.

And to top it off, I've started feeling dumb and insignificant. The new friendships I have forming are with people who have way more than I do. They all have great jobs, are homeowners, and are extremely intelligent (a couple are computer czars- to borrow one's favorite word); while I'm struggling to find a great job and frantically looking for permanent housing. I don't feel witty, charming, intelligent or funny. I've already been told by a few of my new friends that I ramble and talk way too much, and divulge too much info to whomever will listen.

I've said it before months ago: I don't know who I am. This has been the hardest 10 months of my life so far, and I am certain its only beginning. :o(

Strange dreams, hard emotions

Ok, so this one dream I had early this morning wierds me out. I am wondering what significance it has, since it was so vivid and I remember nearly everything...

I had decided to go for a walk, cause I was feeling upset about being told something. As I'm walking, I run into two friends. One was supposed to have gone walking with me but never answered my phone calls or texts. I said "why didn't you call me?"

"Oh," she says... "I wasn't planning on going, and I didn't want to bother you, but I'm done."

Well, I say "ok, whatever," and turned to leave to continue my walk.

About 10 minutes later I run into them again,  and I say, "hey I thought you were done." And she says, "I am." And I am beyond frustrated at this point, so I turn to walk around the house where I ran into them. When I get to the front, they both had followed me, then call my name out saying "Kira wait!" 

(Now at this point of the dream, I have already forgotten the exact words said).  They both then start trying to explain what happened with this guy, and it wasn't what I thought it was. He just wanted to go have fun with his friend. I'm upset (this I remember) because I had texted him about something and never heard back, and then I found out he went to a bar with a friend... I was also feeling like he was ignoring me completely on purpose.

So I just say, "I don't want to talk about it. Why are you making this cruel joke on me?"

Next thing I know, I'm in my house, crying. And its the house I grew up in, but in the town I'm living in now. Two other people, who were there and whose faces were blurry, said something to the effect of "you need to talk to him, he didn't know."

I just sigh and say, "I should have known."

Then they both look out the window and say, "oh things will work out. Here comes so and so to help you."

I look out the window, and see another friend walking to the front door, and I start to panic and say, "I don't want to talk to anyone about this. I'm so stupid."  Then I run to my bedroom and slam the door shut, and lock the door, then lean against the door, slide down and sit and start crying all over again, all the while shouting like a pre-teen having a temper tantrum "my marriage ended miserably and now you guys play this cruel joke on me!"

And then I wake up. Actually, my phone wakes me up cause I got a text, lol.  But tidbits of emotions still surface from my dream. I just came to the conclusion a few days ago that my marriage is over but I cannot do anything about it until I have all 3 kids back with me. Surprisingly enough, a friend came into my life that I hadn't expected. Yes, I have what sounds like a crush on this friend, but I'm fairly sure he doesn't correspond. And besides, I am not looking, nor do I have plans to look until I have my childrens needs taken care of first. So going back to the emotions- I'm feeling left out of a few things, lonely, hating not having something or someone to distract me from the pain of what I have to deal with... all the while secretly hoping that the friendship slowly turns into something else with him.

I remember another dream before that one- I was talking to him, trying to ask him to be patient with me because I had to have my kids back with me before I could even file the divorce, for fear of my kids dad doing something awful to prevent me from having them back. :o(    That dream morphed into the one I talked about first.

Am I just going crazy? Am I letting my depression get to me again? I'm positive I had been seeing non-existant things. Yet, I can't get these dreams of this guy to stop. I know that right now there is nothing more than a new friendship. I need to be thankful for that.

I don't know how things will be resolved between me and my husband, but I am afraid of even letting him know my plans while the kids are living in Mexico. I'm a scaredy cat, actually more of a pessimist when it comes to dealing with this. 15 years of marriage. Its all I've known. I'm a naturally over-emotional person, and also tend to speak without thinking... that equates to saying more than neccessary to anyone who will listen. :/

When it comes to this guy, he's unlike any guy I have ever met. He's extremely observant for one thing. Is funny, silent a lot of the time, yet is not afraid to speak his mind. My other friend made an observation the other day that he seems like the "knight in shining armour" type of guy, with the urge to save the "damsel in distress" but actually helping out whoever needs it right now.  The funny thing is, I thought about this as well. Heck, he is currently searching for his "Princess Bride." Actually, his public social media profile says he's looking for his "partner in crime."

*sigh*  I just need someone to distract me, and I'm starting to get worried this "crush" is becoming an obsession, which I don't need. How can I keep these thoughts out of my head? :/ 

I keep reminding myself this...

There's more where this came from too... gotta love facebook for these neat messages. :o)