Oh, boy. After reading a post on a support forum, I started to get depressed again. It's the alone issue again. Like I posted before, but there is more to it. Here's what I posted in that forum:
My husband always has more time for his "buddies" than his family. We've been together for 10 years, celebrating our 9yr wedding anniversary March 28. He has so many projects that he wants to do around the house, but the minute he gets home, either his butts on the couch with the remote in his hand, or he throws himself onto the bed and is "dead asleep" within a minute. The other difference in our stories, we live with other people. My SIL and her family live with us (4 of them) and three of my husbands cousins. Currently, we live in a 3 bedroom house: We have the master bed and bath, my kids share a room, and my SIL and her fam are in the 3rd bedroom. The cousins live in the garage. We do not own this house, just rent it. So the messiness of the house is intolerable, but between me and my sil, no one else will do any cleaning. In fact, she does the majority of it, and hardly lets me do anything. If I say, I'll do it in a minute, she will not wait, gets mad at me and does it right away. That's beside the point. Our room is a pigsty. I beg him to put his dirty clothes in the dirty clothes bin, but of course, it piles up in the bathroom until I pick it up. And he leaves his shoes everywhere- kitchen, bathroom, living room, outside; and he wonders why I don't know where everything is... He works in contruction, so he get's paid fairly well enough for us to afford for me to stay home. Unfortunately, he has to spend his money on beer, pool, and other unneccesary stuff, and always wonders why we can't pay bills on time. I started a home biz, but it's growing slowly, and I won't be able to help out for at least a year. So in the meantime, he complains that we don't have enough money, and want's me to find a job again. I've not worked in one year. I enjoy the time with my kids, and I don't wan't to have to work again. I'm giving myself until Septemeber to make a modest check with my home biz. If it is still not enough, then I'll find a part time job while the kids are in school. But I can't right now. It's funny because he always complained about me being away from the kids and working too much; begging me to quit my job and stay home. Now he is begging me to go back to work. If I can't get the housework done when I'm home all day, how in the heck can I accomplish it if I go back to work? He say's he'll pay his sister to do everything, including our laundry. I'm sorry, that just doesn't sit right for me. I will not go back to work so I can have someone messing with my personal belongings. It irks me when people try to help me with personal chores...
But that's not it either. There's much, much more. I'm close to having a nervous breakdown. The problem is with having to live with other people, and his issue with not wanting to try to live just the four of us. He claims that since I can't accomplish all the chores with help, then I absoluetly will not be able to do them by myself. It's not the fact that I can't do them, it's the fact that there is so much to do, and no one except his sister trys to help. Even she cannot do everything by herself. I'm not superwoman, and he make me feel like I have to be. I finish cleaning the kitchen and within ten minutes it looks like a warzone again. Just the other night, both he and his sis complained that I spend too much time doing other things when I should be cleaning. I should be cleaning in the morning and then doing the other stuff in the eveneing. Ok, when have I ever cleaned during the day? When I worked at Target, I would always clean when I got home, since it was the only time I had to do anything. So, now, despite being home all the time, I still can't do any cleaning in the day time. Ok, some things like laundry and cleaning the kids room I do dayside, but other things like the kitchen... I don't see a point of cleaning if in five minutes or less it will be dirty again. Better clean it when it will stay clean for a few hours. Of course, if we have guests, which is rare, then it would be clean dayside. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I can't go on... then for sure you'll see my pix in the paper "Desperate Housewife Pleads Insanity..."
Your homebusiness is called Staying home and lovin it, but it sure doesn't seem like you are loving it.. I suffer from depression too, but it seems you are depressed all the time. Do you like your home-business? What do you like about it? If you focus on the positive things that are happening around you and are thankful to God that you have a home, kids, a husband, food in the cupboard, a bed to sleep in, a closet full of clothes, a computer on which to write, hot running water etc, etc... your attitude towards life will probably change. I am glad you can vent on the internet.... it always is good to get things out, for sure, instead of keeping everything bottled in. May God be with you in a special way today.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your comments! I love my home business!! Even if I didn't make money from it, I would still buy the products because they have made a big difference in my health. You are too right though, I do have a problem with depression, and I have seen a doctor, but I refuse to become dependent on depression drugs. It comes and goes, and I always feel better when I let it all out. I just need to let it all out on paper or the computer instead of causing my family to turn away from me. ;( Believe it or not, but I never believed in God until I met my husband and started our family! I do thank him everday that we are still alive and breathing and together. Because of Him I have a wonderful family, which I still need to teach myself how to appreciate the correct way!
ReplyDeleteAwwwww... hang in there Kira!! Sounds vaguely familiar of what's happening here at the moment! Woman power, all the way!
ReplyDeleteI don't even know you (and now can't remember how I ended up on your blog), but you and your husband may need a heart to heart. Maybe couples counseling if he'll go (it's just a forum for you to find ways to communicate with each other). In the meantime, kick the relatives out of the house and work with hubby to create a schedule each week. I've just started a home based business, as well as taking care of my son full time, so I know how hard it is to keep up with everything. This is especially true if your husband isn't helping around the house (mine is pretty good about it, and it's still hard). Anyway, I suffer from depression as well, and know from experience that positive thinking doesn't really help. It's not the same thing as having a bad day, or being in a bad mood.
ReplyDeleteHope you're feeling more "up" by now and that things have taken a turn for the better!