Venting...

I seemed to have forgotten that I had this blog for venting, until the last few days, LOL!

I have been so frustrated over so many things lately, it has helped to go back to the writing things down "therapy."

I don't care if no one ever reads this or if everyone reads this. It just helps me get things off my chest. Although, I realized the other night that I may have said some things previously that I may or not have wanted others to know about, but OOPS... oh well. I got it off my chest and can't have any regrets now. If it was read by the people I didn't want to know, then too late. I accept the consequences of my actions. After I am an adult, right???


Well, anyway, I'm on a borrowed laptop. I can't wait until I can either get my own fixed or purchase a new one. The way things are going I have no idea how long it will take me. My goal is to have enough for at least a new mini notebook by December. We shall see.

Lots of decisions are still needed to be made in my personal life. *sigh*  Talks with some close friends over the last few days have prompted this sudden blogging frenzy by me. I have too much to get off my chest. I'm about to burst. I want too much, I'm too confused... yada yada yada. Yeah, I know. Stop over thinking Kira!!! >.<

Maybe I need to redirect my energies to something else? So then I need some local friends to help me redirect myself, AKA DISTRACT ME!! HAHAHAHA. I guess I do have two new good friends that have started helping distract me from this crap. The distraction is not necessarily to postpone the decision making, rather to help me make an informed and un-emotional decision... if that  makes sense. It doesn't matter if it makes sense to whoever reads this, LMAO!  I feel like a teenager again when we talk about doing things. Like going for walks for three hours in the late evening and coming home in the middle of the night... *insert sheepish grin here*  yeah, I did that recently.  Upcoming plans to do things for Halloween are exciting me. Its' been way too long that I have been able to do anything for myself, for my own happiness. I feel slightly guilty though, since my kids are not with me. I don't think I will ever get used to them being away from me, even temporarily.  My main happiness has always been involved with them, and will always be a part of my main happiness... however, I need time for myself. I have not had time for myself in 15 years.

So, the main question I know that is burning on everyone's mind is: is my marriage over with?  *sigh* I do not know how to answer that without sounding cold and calculating or a heartless bitch.  There will always be something there that I cannot explain, however the love that brought me to him is no longer there. I guess I could say that I still care deeply for him, but I don't love him the same way anymore. Just saying that gives me the chills. I probably have said it before, but I never imagined myself to ever be in this position and I never planned on getting here. Circumstances (fate?) have me where I am now.

Ok, I think I'm rambling. I tend to do that. My mind jumps all over the page and that's how my writing style is as well. :/

What do you do...

When everyone around you has what you have been working for and still don't have?

That's what it seems like for me right now. Everyone around me has been successful in their lives in one way or another. Me- its been one tumble after another and I don't have the success that I've needed to get ahead. The only good thing in my life that has happened is my children. However, they are also the one (or should I say 3) reason(s) why I have not have want I've been working for.

I want a house. I want a car. I want to have enough money to not need foodstamps.

But most of all, I want to find happiness. People constantly tell me- happiness is what you make of it.   True. That I can't deny. The problem is that as soon as I feel happiness something dreadful shows its ugly head and happiness hides itself again. It usually buries itself so deep, its extremely hard to find it again. I have given up looking on more than one occasion.

I feel resigned to the possibility I will never have what I want, if my life stays on the same path. So here I go again with the confusion and different lives, lol. I'm not schizophrenic, seriously, lol. *sigh*

I'm repeating myself. It just keeps circling round my crazy head. :/

Being an adult sucks

Seriously. I think I'm coming down with the Peter Pan syndrome. I don't wanna grow up...

I have some pretty serious decisions to make in the near future. Its maing a decision that will affect not just me but others around me, and that's the sucky part.

I just want to shove it under a pile of junk and forget about it. Sadly that won't happen. It has to be done, and honestly I have a short time in which to make the decision.

I never dreamed, even in my wildest dreams, that I would end up having to make a decision like this. I was warned as a kid that being an adult was difficult. Ha!  No one ever said it would be THIS difficult! :o(

State of confusion

That's where I am right now. I'm swimming along the white water rapids in the state of confusion.

"What is causing this", you ask?

I'm torn between lives.

"Do what makes you happy!" you say.

The problem is I don't know what will make me happy. :o(

One life is the one I've only ever known. The other is unknown, but holds many new adventures. The first needs some major repairs, and I have put out a lot of effort to repair it but have not been successful. The second- again, unknown and that scares me.

Remember when I talked about feeling compelled to do things, that unexplicable feeling that I just HAD to get somewhere for some reason. That is a piece of the second life. I have never had those compelling feelings in my first. They scare me yet give me a thrill. What am I supposed to do about that?

If I can somehow mesh my first with the second it may work. There are components of the first that abolutely have to be a part of the second. Of course there are components that have to be let go of if I am to follow the second. and that's where I've crosed the boundaries into the state of confusion.  Am I yet prepared to let go of those components?  Am I prepared to let the unknown and more of these compelling feelings to lead me down that new path?

I simply do not know.

I want someone to cross my path and help me make that choice, even if that person doesn't realize they are helping me make that choice. Only, that type of person is also an unknown.

*SIGH* right now I just cannot think straight. I feel like I'm on autopilot. Except when those compelling feelings crop up. Then I feel like I stumble and get even more confused.

Ok. I think I've confused everyone enough. Confusion is not ideal at this moment in time. :o(

Who would have thought?

I never had the time to sit back and reflect on my life over the last 15 years until I had no computer, no cable, and no internet.

Well, so far I've had a week to reflect and I've made suprising reflections. The most important is that 15 years of being with one person really closed my mind to what is out there.  Like the song by Kris Allen says "we gotta live like we're dying..." I think I was dead for 15 years sadly... that's a huge surprise to discover.

If I was dead for 15 years, then these last 9 months have been a sort of gestation period for me to be reborn into a new human being, and I was finally born a week ago. And in this new week of life I have found some new things to keep me excited and looking forward to what other surprises await me.

I have a new awareness that I hadn't had before. I have noticed fairly subtle things that I hope are hints of what's to come. One thing I figured out is to trust my instincts as much as possible. Like today- SOMETHING compelled me to leave the house early and stop by the coffee shop. Was it fate? Or was it purely luck? It just so happened to be that a friend was there this morning as well, and I'm pretty sure this friend doesn't usually hang out in the coffee shop at 8:45am :o) I enjoyed this friends presence for over a hour as we chatted about everything and nothing in particular. When my alarm went off to tell me it was time to get to the bus to get to work, I reluctantly left, but not before saying that we should chat again sometime soon. I'll leave it up to my friend if that will happen, but I feel strongly that there may be more to this than a chance encounter. Call it my newborn senses, lol. I actually had butterflies when I arrived at the coffee shop and saw my friend sitting there :o)

Ok, gonna leave you with a quote of lyrics from my favorite song right now "Everything" by Lifehouse...

"And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? Would you tell me how could it be anything better than this?" :o)

I don't know what to do anymore

Every step forward I take I get shoved backwards 5 steps. I cannot make progress towards anything. :o(
My own father will not emotionally support me at all, and is not able to financially support me to the degree he claims he wants to- therefore he is shutting down and calling my bluff so to speak. I don't know what else to call it.
He OFFERED to financially support me for an undisclosed amount of time, until I found a steady job and was able to rent a place of my own. We'll, I now have a job, and suddenly, when I tell him I want to start paying for some bills, he completely shuts down and says "why should I want to talk things over at this point?" And avoids talking to me both on the phone and face to face.  Then responds to my emails with biting remarks and accusations.
What did I do or say that was wrong? I guess I will never understand what happened. He has tunnel vision and cannot see anything positive with what I have done or plan to do. Neither can he accept that I am no longer a child that he can order to obey his requests, but a grown woman with a family that she is trying to reunite who has her own plans.
All I can do now is pray that he continues to get his health back on track and allows me to handle my family the way I know is best.

Been a while: Update.

Where to begin... I still need to find a place to live. :o(  I'm in a sticky situation that I feel powerless to change.

First: I got a job finally! I started May 28th, so I've been working a month now. Unfortunately right now I am barely getting 20hours a week. Hopefully that will change soon.

Second: I was planning on going to Mexico for Marie's elementary graduation which is on Friday, but things have made it difficult... my dad wants to sell the house and has since April. But he gave me an ultimatum too... if I wanted his help with the travel expenses I would have to move out of the house before he would give me the money for the ticket to go down. My aunt would give me the money to come back with the boys. And I am still in the house because I can't find a place to go to even temporarily. :o( THEREFORE, no trip from today until the 10th as originally planned. Marie says she understands, but I'm her mother.. I'm SUPPOSED to be there for her on things like this. *sigh*


Third: Since I didn't go to Mexico today as planned, I now have the trip scheduled for August 1-7. I will have to be back to work on the 13th. In the meantime, I need to find at least a temporary place to move to ASAP, so that I am no longer a burden on my dad. Here's where it gets sticky-  he won't talk to me, won't even help me. He long ago requested that we communicate by email, yet I have been sending him almost an email a week, and yet to hear back from him. I have updated him on what is happening and why I am not moved out yet. In the last email I got from him, he said "Email me when you have arranged to move, and then email me again when you have moved." That was it. :/  What can I do about that? And after that last email, he had come twice and started removing HIS stuff from the house, but has not been back since.  I feel helpless and lonely because the one person that was going to help me hasn't even answered any of my messages or contacted me at all in over two weeks, with the exception of a facebook message "what's happening with you , I haven't heard from you! I'm getting worried."  So I don't know why my messages have not reached that person...
Ugh, I'm just too stressed out to do things properly. On top of all this I have had severe lower back pain that quite a few of my friends think may be due to kidney stones. As if I need ANYTHING more to happen right now... *sigh* I've been trying to pack, but due to the pain I can't do much. :o(


Anyway, that's all I can say for the moment. I'll update more soon... I think I can blog mobile now too, so I will try and do that more often.- even if it is just quickie posts.