It may take a while to find someone like this. But I have all the time in the world. ;o)
Kira sandoval :o)
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Tee hee!
Quite a few people have told me this about my friend and I lately... we shall see what happens this coming year! :D
Kira sandoval :o)
Monday, December 24, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Wowee!
Personality is the first step... ;o) There is more to every person than personality.
Kira sandoval :o)
Oh boy...
Am I ready for that? Not really... :/ but I'm sure someone has an idea that I do...
This time of year is emotional for me no matter what, but now that I am alone I am even worse. Right now I can't allow my emotions to trump logic. :(
Kira sandoval :o)
Friday, December 21, 2012
Things that make you go Hmmmmm...
The timing of finding this is just too coincidental...
Kira sandoval :o)
Sunday, December 16, 2012
I am only dissapointing myself
I think way too much on things. I overthink, overanalyze, overworry... and most of the time I dissapoint myself.
I was the mastermind behind this party, and it didn't go as well as I was hoping, but everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. As much as I planned and worked on things, there was much left to be desired. I had this tension in my neck and head before hand, worrying about it, and now 4 hours after everyone leaves I still have the tension, only its from feeling dissapointed in how things went.
On top of all that, I feel lonely. Despite having been surrounded by people, I feel lonely. I'm struggling so much to keep calm and focus on saving money to get my kids back, but everything I do makes me sadder each time because I think- oh my kids would have loved to do this... I don't know how much longer I can handle being alone like this. :'( There really is no one I can talk to, no one's shoulder I can cry on, no one to comfort me and tell me that it will be alright. How much more lonely can one get? Even the biting 37 degree weather, rain, and all that doesn't faze me at this point. I know I'm asking for a lot. I hate these feelings.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Don't wake me up then!
Sometimes I think its better to dream and live through your dreams...
Kira sandoval :o)
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Photo 3 for today
Yes, I know... I should be putting these all in one post, but that would be TOO easy, lol... besides, mobile does not allow me to post that way, or at least the way I'm doing it.
But what do you think about this one? What IS worse? :/
Kira sandoval :o)
Thursday, December 06, 2012
Falling down...
Dios mio, pero ando muy mal de la mente y del corazon horita. :'(
Tonight everything just seemed to fall down around me. I don't know how much more crap I can handle with my current roommate for another 4 weeks, I'm missing my kids terribly, I HATE being alone. I've been alone for way too long. I posted this quote on my wall on facebook a few days ago, but it really got to me- something about never make someone feel alone, especially when you are present... I have felt alone for at least 5 years... I'm starting to want to just scream and yell at the man I still have to legally call my husband and tell him to go fuck himself and he will never see his kids again, but I could never be that cruel to him. I just want the freedom to move on and have my kids with me at the same time.
Yup, I'm having an emotional breakdown right now. :'(
Prayers are always welcome. <3
The fucking rommate situation has me over the edge. She thinks she's a know-it-all, is extremely opinionated, heaven forbid you have an opinion different than she does or she will tell you that YOU are wrong and stupid... complains about everything I do or don't do... texts me at all fucking hours of the day to tell me some random shit that she just HAS to tell me and won't shut up when I obviously am ignoring her- she will say "did you hear me" over and over until I respond. ARGH! She allows he boyfriend to stay over a few nights a week, which is her perrogative, but he's just as bad as she is, and they FIGHT constantly. >.< I was supposed to move in with another friend, but she bailed on me at the last minute basically, to allow her "boyfriend" to semi-move in... so I am stuck on this fucking couch for another 4 weeks.
Another friend, actually two friends, offered to rent me a room at the same rate I am paying now. One friend lives a good distance from the bus stop, the other lives 2 blocks from the bus stop. The one friend who is further away, however, is someone I like, a lot, and I don't think me moving in with him, although as friends, would help my delicate emotional state right now. The other friend knows that, and we sort of agreed that I could move in with her, however not until January due to family that will be visiting her this month. This is the reason I am stuck with psycho roomie for another 4 weeks.
Ok, I know I am really going out on a limb by calling her psycho roomie... I'm not so stable myself... but I have not once wigged out on her and her complaints or gotten into an argument with her, and I don't want to ever.
Then chatting this afternoon with my daughter on fb started the mood swing towards manic depressive and extreme sadness. How can I be sure that they are eating properly or have proper clothing when the money I send JUST FOR THAT is not being spent on that? :(
I keep reminding myself that if I keep working and start saving more, spending less on coffee and crap that I don't really need I can have my kids with me sooner. That was the original goal for me coming back to the US a year ago, or at least part of the original goal. I don't know what else to do at this point. :'(
Kira sandoval :o)
Sunday, December 02, 2012
Someday...
I hope to find this man. It would be incredibly nice, no- not nice... incredibly wonderful and amazing to have someone by my side that knows everything about me and still loves me no matter what.
I thought I had that with the man I married... only come to realize, we didn't know each other at all when we got married. After 15 years we still hardly know each other. :o( I know enough about that man to say we were not meant to be together.
Tonight, I had a few conversations about this topic with different people- really knowing someone and what they like and dislike... and it also hit me- I really do not have any friends who know me better than I know myself. That sort of makes me feel inadequate to a degree. I have a few friends that I have known forever, but do they really know things, like what my favorite color is, what my favorite band is, who I wanted to be like when I grew up, what my favorite food is???? Nope. Not really. They may know some things, but not everything.
At this point in my life, I am overanalyzing everything. Over thinking about what I did right, and what I did wrong...trying to make sure I don't repeat those mistakes in the future. Deciding to end my marriage has been the toughest decision of my life so far... but I know I have more tough things to handle in the future. I just wish I had more friends that knew me well enough to help me get through this time. I'm happy with my new friends here in Oregon. I truly believe that quite a few of them will be my closest friends ever.
Which leads me back to finding the best friend that knows more about myself than I do- that sort of best friend is supposed to be your soul mate, your significant other... and I'm short that now. I never thought about looking for a "replacement," nor have I even given dating a smidgen of a thought... however a friendship has been developing that I never dreamed about and suddenly I can't stop thinking about it. Yea, I know, I've said it many times before. But I'm serious. I can't stop thinking about it. Even when I pray for guidance and stress relief for my issue of bringing my kids back, my thoughts always revert back to him. And there is no guarantee he EVER feels the same way. I do know that he wants to be friends with me. That's amazing. If it never progresses, then I will still be happy. Although, there has been a few things he has done that make me wonder... or am I just to far gone to even see straight around him anymore? I am fully aware that I could totally be reading the signals wrong...
Somebody please knock me unconcious before I do something stupid? LOL
Saturday, December 01, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
I love these quotes and sayings
I keep praying that this statement will come true soon for me. :o). I can't keep a certain someone out of my mind. That song by Lady Antebellum always comes to my head as well- "...and I wonder if I ever cross your mind? For me it happens all the time..."
Monday, November 26, 2012
Feeling hopeless
I can't watch other people who are happy and affecionate with each other because it, conciously and unconciously, remind me of how my life used to be... and how it could be if I ever found someone to love me again. I can't even watch romantic movies, comedies or whatever, without feeling sad.
What am I supposed to do to get those feelings of hopelessness out of my mind? I feel as if I will never be able to trust or love someone ever again. Both my trust and love have been, in my mind, irrevocably broken. It would tae a true miracle from God to encounter trust and love with another man in my lifetime.
I cant settle for maybe anymore. I need to be happy so I can accomplish what I need to accomplish for my kids. Is it wrong to believe that I can only be happy if I have someone by my side that loves me and gives me the type of love that I didn't get before? :'( and what the hell did I not recieve before?
*sigh* I'm a complicated mess. I don't even know what I'm mising, only that I will know when the time comes... and when the hell will that time come, I have no fucking idea. :(
Kira sandoval :o)
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Friday, November 23, 2012
Why oh why...
Can't I get my dreams under control? Is the devil toying with me, or is God sending me a message?
I seriously am crazy... why else would I keep having dreams and allowing the dreams to blur into reality?
Most of these dreams more than likely will remain just that- dreams... deep down though, I have the gut feeling that a few of my reoccurring dreams WILL actually come true. When? I do not know. I pray that I will happen sooner than later.
But if I'm wrong? I don't know how I can keep moving forward :/
Kira sandoval :o)
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Trying not to get depressed again...
Thanksgiving is over... I have said many thanks in the past 22 days. I'm thankful for being alive, for the love of God, for being given the ability to have children... and that is the biggest reason for me feeling the depression getting to me again...
I miss my children so much. I have been away from them for a year and one month now. I don't have the means to communicate with them the way I want to. I have to deal with my soon-to-be ex in-laws and son-to-be ex-husband. I'm tired of the bullshit with them. I have wired over $2000 in the last year to them for stuff my children need and to pay off my personal debts, and not everything is being taken care of as promised.
My soon-to-be-ex husband is not ever wanting to talk to me. Everytime I call, he comes up with excuses not to talk with me. :'( not that I really want to talk with him, but its neccessary for our children. I have not been able to discuss what is happening with them, how he is handling school and meals for them, and if he is able to provide enough. All I hear is from the kids, and he's hardly home, just as he was always in the states- never home and if I had to be at a meeting and he had to be with them, he would always pawn them off on his brother, sister, or sil so he could go hang out with his friends and drink. >.< Obviously nothing has changed. I'm even not convinced that he has not stayed clean from meth. I probably, actually scratch that... I will NEVER be able to trust him again. I gave him two years as a last chance, to clean up and prove he cared for me and wanted to fix our relationship... that never happened. :'(
Now I'm up here, alone with way too much time to think. I have encountered friendships that I never had in California, that helped me to see how blind I had been to how I was treated. One friendship in particular showed me that there is life after love. I'm not saying that this friend will ever turn out to be more than a friend, but this person opened my eyes to possibility. I wasn't even looking for that possibility at all. I haven't even felt comfortable enough with this particular friend to talk about more than how much I miss my kids. I'm grateful for friendships like this, friendships that have allowed me to talk and reveal so much without being judgemental. Frindships that have stuck with me for a year now, despite finding out what they know so far.
Even if one friendship only remains as a friendship, I will be eternally grateful. Friendship is the most important thing in life right now for me.
All I want is to be happy again. I want my kids with me. I want someone beside me that loves me for who I am, despite my past, and loves my kids as his own...someone who will just be there and hug me silently when I am tired/sad/upset, cheer me on when I accomplish great things, take care of me when I'm sick, not worry and complain when I'm too tired or when I get distracted from things I'm trying to do... I want to be with someone who I can talk to for hours about everything and nothing at the same time, laugh with, someone who has similar likes as me, but different as well to teach me new things... I'm just so tired of bullshit. I want to have my divorce to go quietly and quickly. I want way too much, I know... :'(
Sorry for being depressive now... I really hate feeling like this...
Kira Sandoval :o)
Monday, November 19, 2012
But do I really want to know?
I do wonder if a certain someone feels that way about me. :/ I actually pray that I would hear those words from someone special. I would love that. After 15 years of a crappy marriage, I honestly never heard those words come out of any man's mouth :'(
Kira sandoval :o)
Monday, November 12, 2012
Oh yes!
Even if its not ever reciprocated, I still will smile and have butterflies everytime I see this person...
Kira sandoval :o)
Dreams vs reality
What can one do about dreams that seem so real yet the reality will never measure up?
I have been dreaming about many things lately. One in particular has taken over my mind so badly that I am starting to get confused. Boundries between the dream and reality have sort of fused together, they are hard to see right now. The worst thing about this dream is that a few small pieces of the dream HAVE become reality, so logic follows that other pieces will become reality as well. But we aren't logical at all when it comes to dreams.
When you wake up after dreaming and can't tell the difference between your dream and reality, then something is wrong. :o(
How can I fix this?
Kira sandoval :o)
Thursday, November 08, 2012
Sick of all the drama
Being drug into other peoples drama is really wearing me down. :o(
My roommate is bad enough, but the other crap that has been going over the last few days REALLY is pushing me close to breaking point... (ok some of the things going on are not crap but still major issues in my life).
Soon though the majority of it will be behind me and I will be able to relax a whole lot more. Although I won't be able to relax fully until my kids are with me. :o(
I have some good new friends that are doing an exceptional job keeping me occupied and trying to help me get away from most of the drama. As a friend told me the other night, I got to keep my head above water. I think, as long as I continue with a few of these new friendships, I will be able to.
Kira sandoval :o)
Sunday, November 04, 2012
Fitting in and perceptions- double take...
It seems that my perceptions have decieved yet again. My mind is reeling right now :o( I am treading on thin ice right now with a few friendships because of the perceptions "disagreement" I like to call it.
On the other hand- one newer friendship is forming that I had been worried about. Turns out one friend was feeding false info to the newer friend: telling this new friend I was not worth becoming friends with, for very strange reasons. :/ And the friend also purposely egged me on and led me to believe I was being purposely slighted by other people. I had a nice 3 hour chat with the newer friend, cleared things up and reached an accord. I feel much better now, knowing that the newer friend understands me enough to realize I am not that type of friend. I even discovered that newer friend and I have quite a bit in common. Newer friend even said "I think we could be great friends." Its nice to know that someone really wants to get to know me and actually tells me that to my face! Feels really nice.
Now what can I do about the other friend? I truly don't know. I'm frustrated and upset, but honestly not very shocked by most of what I found out. I had that gut feeling something was amiss... don't you just love those gut feelings?
So for now I will continue taking life one day at a time. I will continue to start my day on a positive note. Until then...
Kira Sandoval :o)
Lots of stuff have been on my mind...
But this photo really speaks volumes to me right now!
Kira sandoval :o)
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Why I blog and the next chapter of my life
I don't blog because I'm getting paid to. I don't blog for anyone other than myself.
In all honesty, I could make my blog private so that its nothing but my own personal diary.
But I don't.
Why? Because maybe, just maybe, someone out there will read what I have to say and perhaps feel better about things going on in their life... perhaps not, but you never know. But the very heart of it is- I will explode if I can't release pent up anger and other emotions, hence blogging. I no longer have a piano to sit at for hours and hours to calm myself down with. I don't have a confidant that I can call upon at any hour to whine at or cry to. I never truly have had that.
And that is my main reason for blogging. Maybe someone will read this and want to reach out to me and try becoming a friend. Who knows.
Right now I feel lonely. I have a new friend who has similar interests as me. She also has a needy side to her that I see in myself, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't realize it in herself. Or maybe she does and chooses not to talk about it like I choose to not talk about it. When I had my computer, I was exactly like her, always online chatting with whomever was online. Now I don't have that and feel twice as lonely. She and I have a mutual friend who I sort of have had a crush on. Here's the catch- I started talking with him, introduced her to him, and now they are nearly best of friends chatting and texting and walking around town... while I'm sitting alone asking around if anyone wants to walk with me or chat with me.
Yes. I'm a bit jealous that they have a good friendship now. I did have a couple good friends that I could chat with like that and joke around with and go places with... but they are now in California and I'm not there anymore. I'm looking for someone I can chat with and go do things with.
Ha, the other night was my birthday. It also was a Halloween costume and karaoke party. I went with my friend and her family... when he showed up I was suprised because we both thought he wasn't going to show up. Suddenly I felt very self concious of my costume :/ he's wears the hat of photographer (among the many hats he wears) so of course he had his camera wth him all night. I have always been camera shy and when I see pictures of me I cringe at what I see. Of course he took a few pix of me that night. I talked to him a bit as well, which has been rare since he became such good friends with my other friend. I seriously have never been tongue tied when I speak to anyone, but I sort of do around him. I guess the thing that bothers me the most is that I have been looking for a friend that I can hang out with, joke around with, chat about everything and nothing with, and I secretly wanted to connect with him in that manner- nothing more than good quality friendship... and my other friend connected with him the way I wanted to.
Am I that shy then? I don't speak up or speak my mind very often. And when I try, it always comes out jumbled or sounding very stupid and I ramble. LMFAO, maybe I was never properly socialized as an adult. I have spent my entire adult life so far around children. I went from being a teenager to all of a sudden being a mom an a wife and I never experienced life as a single girl.
Maybe that's my biggest problem. *sigh* nearly 16 years later I'm trying to restart my life and I'm looking at it through the eyes of a teen, not an adult, because I don't know what being an adult feels like? I'm just throwing punches in the wind. I really don't know. Maybe someone else will make sense of all my mumble jumble and help me figure out this whole mess... for now I will continue to cry myself to sleep and dream of the easy life where I can say whatever I want and people will like me and love me and... yeah, I'll just continue to dream. :'(
I'm ready for the next chapter of my life to really begin though. Its sort of been playing the overture, but its not been clear. The overture has some really dynamic and real parts to it, but the rest is mumble jumble. I just need to allow the end of the overture and really get into the next chapter. This book will be written as I go. My friend tonight said "we need to find you a guy you can talk with". Well, there is one I had in mind but it seems like he didn't think I was worthy... at least that's how I picture it. I'm probably totally wrong, but this is where I say I don't know how to talk to people. *sigh* ok. Now even I'm not making sense to myself. This will have to continue another posting at a later time. :o(
Kira sandoval :o)
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Fitting in and perceptions
It's funny how you percieve things upon first impressions, then discover later on it was completely wrong. Sometimes you just smack yourself on the forehead and say "How could I have been so stupid?"
That's how I feel. Actually I'm feeling a bit immature. I don't quite fit in among the people who surround me. I'm not up to the same level of intellegince as most of them. I feel a bit dumb around them to be honest.
As for those perceptions- I saw something that wasn't really there, but it took me at least two months for that to hit me, and wake me up. I'm certain that my loneliness caused me to see mirages.
Yes. Loneliness. 15 years of being married and I'm lonely. I met someone, and I thought I saw interest, curiosity, possibility... when there was nothing. A mirage. When your thirsty you see a mirage of water. I'm thirsty for companionship, friendship, to find someone who will accept me for who I am, treat me with respect, TALK with me, converse with me, go places with me, love my children the way I do, and more importantly, understand me.
My husband is not that person who I thought and percieved him to be in the beginning. I think we really rushed into things and did not take enough time to get to know each other well enough. You would think after 16 years we'd know each other well enough.
I know him well enough to know how opposite we are. We have opposing views of how our children should be raised. I'm the by-the-book-as-much-as-possible kind of gal; he's pushing limits and breaking laws. I like comfort; he likes thrill. He is all about sex (but then again most men are); I am perfectly comfortable with only cuddling (in fact I actually prefer that). I love the arts; he is a sports fanatic (mostly soccer). I love to read a great book; he loves to drink. He's even gone as far as doing various drugs just to try (and even was addicted to one but still denies it); I hate even taking over the counter medications. That's just scratching the surface...
So twice in one week I've had to smack myself upside the head and say "how could I have been so stupid?" For one, I realized my marriage was over, and has been for a few years now; and two, I realized that I allowed my lonliness to get the better of me and see something where there is nothing.
And to top it off, I've started feeling dumb and insignificant. The new friendships I have forming are with people who have way more than I do. They all have great jobs, are homeowners, and are extremely intelligent (a couple are computer czars- to borrow one's favorite word); while I'm struggling to find a great job and frantically looking for permanent housing. I don't feel witty, charming, intelligent or funny. I've already been told by a few of my new friends that I ramble and talk way too much, and divulge too much info to whomever will listen.
I've said it before months ago: I don't know who I am. This has been the hardest 10 months of my life so far, and I am certain its only beginning. :o(
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Strange dreams, hard emotions
Ok, so this one dream I had early this morning wierds me out. I am wondering what significance it has, since it was so vivid and I remember nearly everything...
I had decided to go for a walk, cause I was feeling upset about being told something. As I'm walking, I run into two friends. One was supposed to have gone walking with me but never answered my phone calls or texts. I said "why didn't you call me?"
"Oh," she says... "I wasn't planning on going, and I didn't want to bother you, but I'm done."
Well, I say "ok, whatever," and turned to leave to continue my walk.
About 10 minutes later I run into them again, and I say, "hey I thought you were done." And she says, "I am." And I am beyond frustrated at this point, so I turn to walk around the house where I ran into them. When I get to the front, they both had followed me, then call my name out saying "Kira wait!"
(Now at this point of the dream, I have already forgotten the exact words said). They both then start trying to explain what happened with this guy, and it wasn't what I thought it was. He just wanted to go have fun with his friend. I'm upset (this I remember) because I had texted him about something and never heard back, and then I found out he went to a bar with a friend... I was also feeling like he was ignoring me completely on purpose.
So I just say, "I don't want to talk about it. Why are you making this cruel joke on me?"
Next thing I know, I'm in my house, crying. And its the house I grew up in, but in the town I'm living in now. Two other people, who were there and whose faces were blurry, said something to the effect of "you need to talk to him, he didn't know."
I just sigh and say, "I should have known."
Then they both look out the window and say, "oh things will work out. Here comes so and so to help you."
I look out the window, and see another friend walking to the front door, and I start to panic and say, "I don't want to talk to anyone about this. I'm so stupid." Then I run to my bedroom and slam the door shut, and lock the door, then lean against the door, slide down and sit and start crying all over again, all the while shouting like a pre-teen having a temper tantrum "my marriage ended miserably and now you guys play this cruel joke on me!"
And then I wake up. Actually, my phone wakes me up cause I got a text, lol. But tidbits of emotions still surface from my dream. I just came to the conclusion a few days ago that my marriage is over but I cannot do anything about it until I have all 3 kids back with me. Surprisingly enough, a friend came into my life that I hadn't expected. Yes, I have what sounds like a crush on this friend, but I'm fairly sure he doesn't correspond. And besides, I am not looking, nor do I have plans to look until I have my childrens needs taken care of first. So going back to the emotions- I'm feeling left out of a few things, lonely, hating not having something or someone to distract me from the pain of what I have to deal with... all the while secretly hoping that the friendship slowly turns into something else with him.
I remember another dream before that one- I was talking to him, trying to ask him to be patient with me because I had to have my kids back with me before I could even file the divorce, for fear of my kids dad doing something awful to prevent me from having them back. :o( That dream morphed into the one I talked about first.
Am I just going crazy? Am I letting my depression get to me again? I'm positive I had been seeing non-existant things. Yet, I can't get these dreams of this guy to stop. I know that right now there is nothing more than a new friendship. I need to be thankful for that.
I don't know how things will be resolved between me and my husband, but I am afraid of even letting him know my plans while the kids are living in Mexico. I'm a scaredy cat, actually more of a pessimist when it comes to dealing with this. 15 years of marriage. Its all I've known. I'm a naturally over-emotional person, and also tend to speak without thinking... that equates to saying more than neccessary to anyone who will listen. :/
When it comes to this guy, he's unlike any guy I have ever met. He's extremely observant for one thing. Is funny, silent a lot of the time, yet is not afraid to speak his mind. My other friend made an observation the other day that he seems like the "knight in shining armour" type of guy, with the urge to save the "damsel in distress" but actually helping out whoever needs it right now. The funny thing is, I thought about this as well. Heck, he is currently searching for his "Princess Bride." Actually, his public social media profile says he's looking for his "partner in crime."
*sigh* I just need someone to distract me, and I'm starting to get worried this "crush" is becoming an obsession, which I don't need. How can I keep these thoughts out of my head? :/
Saturday, September 15, 2012
I keep reminding myself this...
There's more where this came from too... gotta love facebook for these neat messages. :o)
Friday, September 14, 2012
Venting...
I seemed to have forgotten that I had this blog for venting, until the last few days, LOL!
I have been so frustrated over so many things lately, it has helped to go back to the writing things down "therapy."
I don't care if no one ever reads this or if everyone reads this. It just helps me get things off my chest. Although, I realized the other night that I may have said some things previously that I may or not have wanted others to know about, but OOPS... oh well. I got it off my chest and can't have any regrets now. If it was read by the people I didn't want to know, then too late. I accept the consequences of my actions. After I am an adult, right???
Well, anyway, I'm on a borrowed laptop. I can't wait until I can either get my own fixed or purchase a new one. The way things are going I have no idea how long it will take me. My goal is to have enough for at least a new mini notebook by December. We shall see.
Lots of decisions are still needed to be made in my personal life. *sigh* Talks with some close friends over the last few days have prompted this sudden blogging frenzy by me. I have too much to get off my chest. I'm about to burst. I want too much, I'm too confused... yada yada yada. Yeah, I know. Stop over thinking Kira!!! >.<
Maybe I need to redirect my energies to something else? So then I need some local friends to help me redirect myself, AKA DISTRACT ME!! HAHAHAHA. I guess I do have two new good friends that have started helping distract me from this crap. The distraction is not necessarily to postpone the decision making, rather to help me make an informed and un-emotional decision... if that makes sense. It doesn't matter if it makes sense to whoever reads this, LMAO! I feel like a teenager again when we talk about doing things. Like going for walks for three hours in the late evening and coming home in the middle of the night... *insert sheepish grin here* yeah, I did that recently. Upcoming plans to do things for Halloween are exciting me. Its' been way too long that I have been able to do anything for myself, for my own happiness. I feel slightly guilty though, since my kids are not with me. I don't think I will ever get used to them being away from me, even temporarily. My main happiness has always been involved with them, and will always be a part of my main happiness... however, I need time for myself. I have not had time for myself in 15 years.
So, the main question I know that is burning on everyone's mind is: is my marriage over with? *sigh* I do not know how to answer that without sounding cold and calculating or a heartless bitch. There will always be something there that I cannot explain, however the love that brought me to him is no longer there. I guess I could say that I still care deeply for him, but I don't love him the same way anymore. Just saying that gives me the chills. I probably have said it before, but I never imagined myself to ever be in this position and I never planned on getting here. Circumstances (fate?) have me where I am now.
Ok, I think I'm rambling. I tend to do that. My mind jumps all over the page and that's how my writing style is as well. :/
I have been so frustrated over so many things lately, it has helped to go back to the writing things down "therapy."
I don't care if no one ever reads this or if everyone reads this. It just helps me get things off my chest. Although, I realized the other night that I may have said some things previously that I may or not have wanted others to know about, but OOPS... oh well. I got it off my chest and can't have any regrets now. If it was read by the people I didn't want to know, then too late. I accept the consequences of my actions. After I am an adult, right???
Well, anyway, I'm on a borrowed laptop. I can't wait until I can either get my own fixed or purchase a new one. The way things are going I have no idea how long it will take me. My goal is to have enough for at least a new mini notebook by December. We shall see.
Lots of decisions are still needed to be made in my personal life. *sigh* Talks with some close friends over the last few days have prompted this sudden blogging frenzy by me. I have too much to get off my chest. I'm about to burst. I want too much, I'm too confused... yada yada yada. Yeah, I know. Stop over thinking Kira!!! >.<
Maybe I need to redirect my energies to something else? So then I need some local friends to help me redirect myself, AKA DISTRACT ME!! HAHAHAHA. I guess I do have two new good friends that have started helping distract me from this crap. The distraction is not necessarily to postpone the decision making, rather to help me make an informed and un-emotional decision... if that makes sense. It doesn't matter if it makes sense to whoever reads this, LMAO! I feel like a teenager again when we talk about doing things. Like going for walks for three hours in the late evening and coming home in the middle of the night... *insert sheepish grin here* yeah, I did that recently. Upcoming plans to do things for Halloween are exciting me. Its' been way too long that I have been able to do anything for myself, for my own happiness. I feel slightly guilty though, since my kids are not with me. I don't think I will ever get used to them being away from me, even temporarily. My main happiness has always been involved with them, and will always be a part of my main happiness... however, I need time for myself. I have not had time for myself in 15 years.
So, the main question I know that is burning on everyone's mind is: is my marriage over with? *sigh* I do not know how to answer that without sounding cold and calculating or a heartless bitch. There will always be something there that I cannot explain, however the love that brought me to him is no longer there. I guess I could say that I still care deeply for him, but I don't love him the same way anymore. Just saying that gives me the chills. I probably have said it before, but I never imagined myself to ever be in this position and I never planned on getting here. Circumstances (fate?) have me where I am now.
Ok, I think I'm rambling. I tend to do that. My mind jumps all over the page and that's how my writing style is as well. :/
Thursday, September 13, 2012
What do you do...
When everyone around you has what you have been working for and still don't have?
That's what it seems like for me right now. Everyone around me has been successful in their lives in one way or another. Me- its been one tumble after another and I don't have the success that I've needed to get ahead. The only good thing in my life that has happened is my children. However, they are also the one (or should I say 3) reason(s) why I have not have want I've been working for.
I want a house. I want a car. I want to have enough money to not need foodstamps.
But most of all, I want to find happiness. People constantly tell me- happiness is what you make of it. True. That I can't deny. The problem is that as soon as I feel happiness something dreadful shows its ugly head and happiness hides itself again. It usually buries itself so deep, its extremely hard to find it again. I have given up looking on more than one occasion.
I feel resigned to the possibility I will never have what I want, if my life stays on the same path. So here I go again with the confusion and different lives, lol. I'm not schizophrenic, seriously, lol. *sigh*
I'm repeating myself. It just keeps circling round my crazy head. :/
Being an adult sucks
Seriously. I think I'm coming down with the Peter Pan syndrome. I don't wanna grow up...
I have some pretty serious decisions to make in the near future. Its maing a decision that will affect not just me but others around me, and that's the sucky part.
I just want to shove it under a pile of junk and forget about it. Sadly that won't happen. It has to be done, and honestly I have a short time in which to make the decision.
I never dreamed, even in my wildest dreams, that I would end up having to make a decision like this. I was warned as a kid that being an adult was difficult. Ha! No one ever said it would be THIS difficult! :o(
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
State of confusion
That's where I am right now. I'm swimming along the white water rapids in the state of confusion.
"What is causing this", you ask?
I'm torn between lives.
"Do what makes you happy!" you say.
The problem is I don't know what will make me happy. :o(
One life is the one I've only ever known. The other is unknown, but holds many new adventures. The first needs some major repairs, and I have put out a lot of effort to repair it but have not been successful. The second- again, unknown and that scares me.
Remember when I talked about feeling compelled to do things, that unexplicable feeling that I just HAD to get somewhere for some reason. That is a piece of the second life. I have never had those compelling feelings in my first. They scare me yet give me a thrill. What am I supposed to do about that?
If I can somehow mesh my first with the second it may work. There are components of the first that abolutely have to be a part of the second. Of course there are components that have to be let go of if I am to follow the second. and that's where I've crosed the boundaries into the state of confusion. Am I yet prepared to let go of those components? Am I prepared to let the unknown and more of these compelling feelings to lead me down that new path?
I simply do not know.
I want someone to cross my path and help me make that choice, even if that person doesn't realize they are helping me make that choice. Only, that type of person is also an unknown.
*SIGH* right now I just cannot think straight. I feel like I'm on autopilot. Except when those compelling feelings crop up. Then I feel like I stumble and get even more confused.
Ok. I think I've confused everyone enough. Confusion is not ideal at this moment in time. :o(
Monday, July 30, 2012
Who would have thought?
I never had the time to sit back and reflect on my life over the last 15 years until I had no computer, no cable, and no internet.
Well, so far I've had a week to reflect and I've made suprising reflections. The most important is that 15 years of being with one person really closed my mind to what is out there. Like the song by Kris Allen says "we gotta live like we're dying..." I think I was dead for 15 years sadly... that's a huge surprise to discover.
If I was dead for 15 years, then these last 9 months have been a sort of gestation period for me to be reborn into a new human being, and I was finally born a week ago. And in this new week of life I have found some new things to keep me excited and looking forward to what other surprises await me.
I have a new awareness that I hadn't had before. I have noticed fairly subtle things that I hope are hints of what's to come. One thing I figured out is to trust my instincts as much as possible. Like today- SOMETHING compelled me to leave the house early and stop by the coffee shop. Was it fate? Or was it purely luck? It just so happened to be that a friend was there this morning as well, and I'm pretty sure this friend doesn't usually hang out in the coffee shop at 8:45am :o) I enjoyed this friends presence for over a hour as we chatted about everything and nothing in particular. When my alarm went off to tell me it was time to get to the bus to get to work, I reluctantly left, but not before saying that we should chat again sometime soon. I'll leave it up to my friend if that will happen, but I feel strongly that there may be more to this than a chance encounter. Call it my newborn senses, lol. I actually had butterflies when I arrived at the coffee shop and saw my friend sitting there :o)
Ok, gonna leave you with a quote of lyrics from my favorite song right now "Everything" by Lifehouse...
"And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? Would you tell me how could it be anything better than this?" :o)
Sunday, July 08, 2012
I don't know what to do anymore
Every step forward I take I get shoved backwards 5 steps. I cannot make progress towards anything. :o(
My own father will not emotionally support me at all, and is not able to financially support me to the degree he claims he wants to- therefore he is shutting down and calling my bluff so to speak. I don't know what else to call it.
He OFFERED to financially support me for an undisclosed amount of time, until I found a steady job and was able to rent a place of my own. We'll, I now have a job, and suddenly, when I tell him I want to start paying for some bills, he completely shuts down and says "why should I want to talk things over at this point?" And avoids talking to me both on the phone and face to face. Then responds to my emails with biting remarks and accusations.
What did I do or say that was wrong? I guess I will never understand what happened. He has tunnel vision and cannot see anything positive with what I have done or plan to do. Neither can he accept that I am no longer a child that he can order to obey his requests, but a grown woman with a family that she is trying to reunite who has her own plans.
All I can do now is pray that he continues to get his health back on track and allows me to handle my family the way I know is best.
My own father will not emotionally support me at all, and is not able to financially support me to the degree he claims he wants to- therefore he is shutting down and calling my bluff so to speak. I don't know what else to call it.
He OFFERED to financially support me for an undisclosed amount of time, until I found a steady job and was able to rent a place of my own. We'll, I now have a job, and suddenly, when I tell him I want to start paying for some bills, he completely shuts down and says "why should I want to talk things over at this point?" And avoids talking to me both on the phone and face to face. Then responds to my emails with biting remarks and accusations.
What did I do or say that was wrong? I guess I will never understand what happened. He has tunnel vision and cannot see anything positive with what I have done or plan to do. Neither can he accept that I am no longer a child that he can order to obey his requests, but a grown woman with a family that she is trying to reunite who has her own plans.
All I can do now is pray that he continues to get his health back on track and allows me to handle my family the way I know is best.
Wednesday, July 04, 2012
Been a while: Update.
Where to begin... I still need to find a place to live. :o( I'm in a sticky situation that I feel powerless to change.
First: I got a job finally! I started May 28th, so I've been working a month now. Unfortunately right now I am barely getting 20hours a week. Hopefully that will change soon.
Second: I was planning on going to Mexico for Marie's elementary graduation which is on Friday, but things have made it difficult... my dad wants to sell the house and has since April. But he gave me an ultimatum too... if I wanted his help with the travel expenses I would have to move out of the house before he would give me the money for the ticket to go down. My aunt would give me the money to come back with the boys. And I am still in the house because I can't find a place to go to even temporarily. :o( THEREFORE, no trip from today until the 10th as originally planned. Marie says she understands, but I'm her mother.. I'm SUPPOSED to be there for her on things like this. *sigh*
Third: Since I didn't go to Mexico today as planned, I now have the trip scheduled for August 1-7. I will have to be back to work on the 13th. In the meantime, I need to find at least a temporary place to move to ASAP, so that I am no longer a burden on my dad. Here's where it gets sticky- he won't talk to me, won't even help me. He long ago requested that we communicate by email, yet I have been sending him almost an email a week, and yet to hear back from him. I have updated him on what is happening and why I am not moved out yet. In the last email I got from him, he said "Email me when you have arranged to move, and then email me again when you have moved." That was it. :/ What can I do about that? And after that last email, he had come twice and started removing HIS stuff from the house, but has not been back since. I feel helpless and lonely because the one person that was going to help me hasn't even answered any of my messages or contacted me at all in over two weeks, with the exception of a facebook message "what's happening with you , I haven't heard from you! I'm getting worried." So I don't know why my messages have not reached that person...
Ugh, I'm just too stressed out to do things properly. On top of all this I have had severe lower back pain that quite a few of my friends think may be due to kidney stones. As if I need ANYTHING more to happen right now... *sigh* I've been trying to pack, but due to the pain I can't do much. :o(
Anyway, that's all I can say for the moment. I'll update more soon... I think I can blog mobile now too, so I will try and do that more often.- even if it is just quickie posts.
First: I got a job finally! I started May 28th, so I've been working a month now. Unfortunately right now I am barely getting 20hours a week. Hopefully that will change soon.
Second: I was planning on going to Mexico for Marie's elementary graduation which is on Friday, but things have made it difficult... my dad wants to sell the house and has since April. But he gave me an ultimatum too... if I wanted his help with the travel expenses I would have to move out of the house before he would give me the money for the ticket to go down. My aunt would give me the money to come back with the boys. And I am still in the house because I can't find a place to go to even temporarily. :o( THEREFORE, no trip from today until the 10th as originally planned. Marie says she understands, but I'm her mother.. I'm SUPPOSED to be there for her on things like this. *sigh*
Third: Since I didn't go to Mexico today as planned, I now have the trip scheduled for August 1-7. I will have to be back to work on the 13th. In the meantime, I need to find at least a temporary place to move to ASAP, so that I am no longer a burden on my dad. Here's where it gets sticky- he won't talk to me, won't even help me. He long ago requested that we communicate by email, yet I have been sending him almost an email a week, and yet to hear back from him. I have updated him on what is happening and why I am not moved out yet. In the last email I got from him, he said "Email me when you have arranged to move, and then email me again when you have moved." That was it. :/ What can I do about that? And after that last email, he had come twice and started removing HIS stuff from the house, but has not been back since. I feel helpless and lonely because the one person that was going to help me hasn't even answered any of my messages or contacted me at all in over two weeks, with the exception of a facebook message "what's happening with you , I haven't heard from you! I'm getting worried." So I don't know why my messages have not reached that person...
Ugh, I'm just too stressed out to do things properly. On top of all this I have had severe lower back pain that quite a few of my friends think may be due to kidney stones. As if I need ANYTHING more to happen right now... *sigh* I've been trying to pack, but due to the pain I can't do much. :o(
Anyway, that's all I can say for the moment. I'll update more soon... I think I can blog mobile now too, so I will try and do that more often.- even if it is just quickie posts.
Saturday, April 07, 2012
Just keeps getting worse...
I now have 3 weeks to find a job and a new place to live. It's either that or go back to Mexico, and I really don't want to right now.
If I go back, it's like I'm giving up. I also feel like I'm letting my family down. We have so much planned, and everything is dependent on me right now and me being in the US working...if I go back all our dreams will be smashed to pieces. :o(
I'm at a loss as to what I can do anymore. My eyes are tired from sitting at the computer for so long filling out online job applications.
If I go back, it's like I'm giving up. I also feel like I'm letting my family down. We have so much planned, and everything is dependent on me right now and me being in the US working...if I go back all our dreams will be smashed to pieces. :o(
I'm at a loss as to what I can do anymore. My eyes are tired from sitting at the computer for so long filling out online job applications.
Tuesday, April 03, 2012
This is Joshua's performance from Last week
For some reason it posted Colton's performance twice. This is the one I wanted to share of Joshua!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
March 28
I had a semi-rough day. As I was watching American Idol, I was brought to tears by the performance and song choice of Joshua Ledet. He sang Mariah Carey's "Without You":
This song, I dedicate to my husband of 15 years. It was our 15 year wedding anniversary. That's why that song made me cry! "I can't live, if living is without you..."
I started watching American Idol a bit late, so I missed Colton Dixon's performance. As soon as it was available online I watched it and it also brought me to tears! He chose to perform Lifehouse's "Everything":
Yes, today was rough because this is the first year that we have been separated for as long as we have been, as well as being separated on the actual day of our anniversary. Thankfully, we were able to chat the day before, and he also sent me a text message in the morning that actually woke me up! ;o) He said "Happy Anniversary! Although the distance is between us, I received all the accumulated love of 15 years, and I will fight for many more. I love you." That was a wonderful way to wake up. Although I would have preferred to wake up in his arms...
This song, I dedicate to my husband of 15 years. It was our 15 year wedding anniversary. That's why that song made me cry! "I can't live, if living is without you..."
I started watching American Idol a bit late, so I missed Colton Dixon's performance. As soon as it was available online I watched it and it also brought me to tears! He chose to perform Lifehouse's "Everything":
Yes, today was rough because this is the first year that we have been separated for as long as we have been, as well as being separated on the actual day of our anniversary. Thankfully, we were able to chat the day before, and he also sent me a text message in the morning that actually woke me up! ;o) He said "Happy Anniversary! Although the distance is between us, I received all the accumulated love of 15 years, and I will fight for many more. I love you." That was a wonderful way to wake up. Although I would have preferred to wake up in his arms...
Saturday, March 24, 2012
And now I have to deal with this...
My dad just stopped by to pick up mail. In a nutshell, he told me that he's going to sell this house and needs me to make a decision. The decision is to either go back to Mexico for a few months until he gets the house sold and has that extra money and then come back with the kids, or move now to somewhere like Portland so I have more of a chance of getting a job, and not have to worry about getting a car (plus I'd be closer to my sister). Either way, I need to go somewhere else soon.
I have no idea what to do. I love it here. I have settled into this amazing small community nicely. I have some good new friends. I'm just getting comfortable. Hell, I just unpacked a few small boxes of my figurine collections that I had packed up for probably the last 6-8 years. I'm getting involved in the community. I'm on the board for the local food bank. I go involved in a committee wanting to turn an empty building into the town's community center. I don't want to live in a city.
I was totally hoping that if I got a good job that I could make arrangements to do a rent-to-own on this house with my dad. I didn't even mention it to him right now. I guess it's the thought of making that huge move AGAIN, that scares me. I hate moving. I did tell him that if DH is still going to cross to find work, there is NO WAY I will stay in Mexico with him over here. I just can't handle that. I can probably be there for a few weeks at the most, but not for a few months again. Too much stress for me. The last couple months in Mexico were so damn hard- I fought constantly with my MIL and my SIL, I had problems with a few of the other family members who just loved to spread rumors about everyone. I hated not being able to go anywhere. I hated not having certain amenities like a consistent hot shower and a dryer. Don't get me wrong, I love Mexico, but I can't live there again like I did before. I just don't fit there.
I just want to be independent again, and not have to depend on my dad for everything. I feel so bad that he is starting to feel he can't afford to take care of me, take care of my sister and pay her rent, plus make two house payments and take care of my step-mom's 87 year old cousin, all at the same time.
But how much longer until I actually get a job? I've been here since October... I've applied to so many damn jobs I can't even keep track. I've only had ONE flipping interview and they end up hiring someone else. It's been 5 months already. My stress level has not changed at all from being in Mexico vs being here, well, maybe just a little better, but running back to Mexico is NOT an option for me. People are mean. I already know that his cousins will start the rumors that I was so stupid I couldn't get a job so I came running back like a dog with his tail between his legs. The job situation problem is partially limited by my transportation issue and partly my huge gaps in employments, and partly the fact that there is not much out there and so many people are applying for the same damn jobs...
I FEEL SO LOST RIGHT NOW!!! :'(
I have no idea what to do. I love it here. I have settled into this amazing small community nicely. I have some good new friends. I'm just getting comfortable. Hell, I just unpacked a few small boxes of my figurine collections that I had packed up for probably the last 6-8 years. I'm getting involved in the community. I'm on the board for the local food bank. I go involved in a committee wanting to turn an empty building into the town's community center. I don't want to live in a city.
I was totally hoping that if I got a good job that I could make arrangements to do a rent-to-own on this house with my dad. I didn't even mention it to him right now. I guess it's the thought of making that huge move AGAIN, that scares me. I hate moving. I did tell him that if DH is still going to cross to find work, there is NO WAY I will stay in Mexico with him over here. I just can't handle that. I can probably be there for a few weeks at the most, but not for a few months again. Too much stress for me. The last couple months in Mexico were so damn hard- I fought constantly with my MIL and my SIL, I had problems with a few of the other family members who just loved to spread rumors about everyone. I hated not being able to go anywhere. I hated not having certain amenities like a consistent hot shower and a dryer. Don't get me wrong, I love Mexico, but I can't live there again like I did before. I just don't fit there.
I just want to be independent again, and not have to depend on my dad for everything. I feel so bad that he is starting to feel he can't afford to take care of me, take care of my sister and pay her rent, plus make two house payments and take care of my step-mom's 87 year old cousin, all at the same time.
But how much longer until I actually get a job? I've been here since October... I've applied to so many damn jobs I can't even keep track. I've only had ONE flipping interview and they end up hiring someone else. It's been 5 months already. My stress level has not changed at all from being in Mexico vs being here, well, maybe just a little better, but running back to Mexico is NOT an option for me. People are mean. I already know that his cousins will start the rumors that I was so stupid I couldn't get a job so I came running back like a dog with his tail between his legs. The job situation problem is partially limited by my transportation issue and partly my huge gaps in employments, and partly the fact that there is not much out there and so many people are applying for the same damn jobs...
I FEEL SO LOST RIGHT NOW!!! :'(
Monday, March 19, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
I'm crazy
Bonkers really, insane, off the wall, whatever...
Wanna know why?
I've been chatting with a friend on FB, who has an amazing blog (http://insomnia-diarrheaofthemouth.blogspot.com/), but we've been chatting on her fan page. Here is how the conversation has gone so far:
Wanna know why?
I've been chatting with a friend on FB, who has an amazing blog (http://insomnia-diarrheaofthemouth.blogspot.com/), but we've been chatting on her fan page. Here is how the conversation has gone so far:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)